“Welcome Back” …!

I did not sleep for 24 hours, I have gut-wrenching pain in my stomach, I did not eat all day, very tired, I spent my day trying to finish as much of the to-do list as possible, not to mention the new things that come up in your way and you have to do it as well, many of the to-do list things needed thinking and intellectual power which with no sleep and pain was almost impossible … But I am determined to write this overdue post to defy some delusional conclusions of why I didn’t write it yet…!

After a long day of being scorched inside till death, we had the chance to talk for some time, and suddenly while the talk was reaching its end, I felt her back so I couldn’t contain myself because a flood of cool water gushed inside and put off that burning pain and life came in within, I felt I have a desire for everything and for pleasure again, so I asked her if I dare to tell  her something and I said “welcome back” she flipped and quickly reacted “who said so, I am not back, and take it back …” though I went along with her reaction, I still felt she is back, and what confirmed my feeling is when she called me “my imaginary friend” …

But why I felt her back and why she said no, simply because we had different definitions or views of “being back” … Simply for me, “being back” is the exact of opposite of what I explained about the meaning of “she left .. detached” … Being back means I can feel her inside again, feels like when a man making love to his wife she is reacting with him, he feels her and she feels him, feels like when you talk to someone it is not like talking to a hollow shell with no one inside, it feels more like when you set with a person and look to each other and not say a word, but when you leave you feel you had the conversation of your life … For me this definition or view of “being back” is the source of my life in this relation, and that is why I kept saying no matter how this relation takes another form or shape, I will be happy and alive, even if this relation became just friends who talk once every now and then, because even I don’t talk to her all that time, I will always be feeling her like those who sat with each other and did not say a word but left feeling they had the conversation of their life …

For her “being back” meant back to the way we spend time together, the way we talk and what we say to each other, what we feel while we are talking to each other .. We failed to find a definition or label to put for the way we spend time together and the way we make each other feel … but in this way, it gave a great space for both of us to be vulnerable and naked, she has been burnt by my reactions out of jealousy and frustration … And that is why she was very cautious to let herself back to this place where she can get burnt again …

For me I was very grateful to feel her back, even she was cautious of her own return … I was filled with gratitude because for a long day I felt I lost her with no return … So I was ready to be very happy and content with any of the crumbs of what we had as long as I can feel her back according to my own definition.