You, me and C.S Lewis ..!

C.S Lewis once said “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

In his book “A grief observed” where he mourns the loss of his beloved wife, it is stated in the beginning that C.S Lewis did not find attractiveness in women, but one day late in his life he met his wife, she was a writer, a poet, and a thinker as well … He fell in love … But life is not that merciful and good, life is cruel and savage … She had cancer, imagine back in these days what it meant, for it now with all the medical advancements and some success against the fight for life, still cancer means death …

But he knew he found the love, he found the one … Both decided to join each other into one life, entwined … He knew they don’t have a life time ahead … But he knew that the few he got is worth of a life time … He knew the challenges, the nights of pain and morphine will come … dreadful nights where the shadows of death hover around the house … He knew every minute will pass by will be taken from the very few he got … Yet still he believed that these moments are worth of a life time…

At first I wondered to his reaction to her death … I wanted to tell him “come on, you knew she had cancer” … But then he said “ Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained” … It is hope that it will never end … He mourned her loss deeply, he shouted, he cried, he questioned God, he asked and wondered … And he wrote that most amazing and healing book … he said “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ''Blessed are they that mourn.'' , and he also said “God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain”

I don’t know if we will be able to join one life some day … But I want to tell you that I acknowledge the challenges of that entwinement … yet I chose to enjoy that little time … But I know one thing for sure, whether we joined or not, we will always go to back to where we started together in my first post when being in love is not the point, we will always be close, we will always help and carry each other, we will always infiltrate happiness in each other lives, and we will always click!! 

Guilt free …!

Amorousness and love … Something that is cherished and felt between lovers, guilt free … However, against the standards of God and against her purity and innocence, it falls short … She has a heart like the heart of the Lord …

Her purity and innocence is so sensitive like the molasses inside the shell, when a pebble of sand enters the shell it irritates it so much, it starts to defend itself with secretion that wraps the pebble and come out as a precious pearl … She is like the sheep when mud soils its fur, it gets irritated and starts shaking it off … Can’t stand the mud, can’t stand the sin and can’t stand the guilt …

The Lord has said about David that he has a heart as the Lord’s heart, yet David lusted and sinned … But our Lord, our Heavenly Father accepts us as who we are … David was able to come to the Lord as he is and shouts out his being as it is and the Lord accepted him … But Solomon was in love …

God created amorousness in the man’s heart natural and pure … I don’t deny my amorous feelings, they are God’s gift … Because of these feelings, Solomon was able to write his masterpiece songs, that the church symbolizes it as the love between the Lord and his church … Solomon was not married to his lover when he wrote it, as his lover said “ …If only you were my brother, one who nursed at my mother's breasts. If I saw you on the street, I would kiss you, and no one would look down on me. I would lead you, I would bring you into my mother's house. I would give you some spiced wine to drink, some juice squeezed from my pomegranates. His left hand is under my head. His right hand caresses me…” (Song of Solomon 8:1-3 GW) …

I am not trying to be wise and act like lawyers who test the case till they reach a crack and shout “aa hha, I found it” … I am not trying to purify mud or soil a pure … I simply acknowledge that the feelings a person has when he loves someone is pure and God’s gift to humanity … I openly lay it in front of God, and the best thing about this is that God accepts us as who we are, no make up .. no masks!! Kama ana!!

I love you and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms!! …

We meet in ... Can't wait !!!

MySpace Countdowns

Today … flashbacks …!

Today at 7:30 pm my father left this world on the hope I will meet him soon … Scenes of his hospital room, the last 30 minutes … the last day … the last week … the last month … the last year … the last two years … the last five years … the last ten years … the last 20 years … the last 27 years … the last 68 years of munificence, magnanimity, chivalry, valor, honor, gallantry and valiance …

The man who draw a circle the included many people, may he rest in peace … His journey has been accomplished with honors … And as much I long and desire for him to be here to walk with me my journey, to witness my success and my failure, my laughs and my tears, but it is not possible …

His journey ended and my journey just started … Even with his death, he gave me life that is rich and abundant  … part of me is ripped out, I feel like an amputee who will adapt to a new life without his lost part … My journey with pain and resilience and life just started … And I hope from the bottom of my heart and with the strength in my trembling shaking muscles to finish my journey with honors as my father did for the memory of his precious name and his life …. 

The Space Heater

On the then-below-zero day, it was on,
near the patients' chair, the old heater
kept by the analyst's couch, at the end,
like the infant's headstone that was added near the foot
of my father's grave. And it was hot, with the almost
laughing satire of a fire's heat,
the little coils like hairs in Hell.
And it was making a group of sick noises-
I wanted the doctor to turn it off
but I couldn't seem to ask, so I just
stared, but it did not budge. The doctor
turned his heavy, soft palm
outward, toward me, inviting me to speak, I
said, "If you're cold-are you cold? But if it's on
for me..." He held his palm out toward me,
I tried to ask, but I only muttered,
but he said, "Of course," as if I had asked,
and he stood up and approached the heater, and then
stood on one foot, and threw himself
toward the wall with one hand, and with the other hand
reached down, behind the couch, to pull
the plug out. I looked away,
I had not known he would have to bend
like that. And I was so moved, that he
would act undignified, to help me,
that I cried, not trying to stop, but as if
the moans made sentences which bore
some human message. If he would cast himself toward the
outlet for me, as if bending with me in my old
shame and horror, then I would rest
on his art-and the heater purred, like a creature
or the familiar of a creature, or the child of a familiar,
the father of a child, the spirit of a father,
the healing of a spirit, the vision of healing,
the heat of vision, the power of heat,
the pleasure of power.

Sharon Olds

She is right …!

She told me that she can ask me anything now and I can not say no to her, and she is right … why!!! because she enthralled me, because she gave me herself to go inside her … to unite with her and be one … to feel her inside … her warmth, her muscles squeeze and twitch … her moans … her heart pounding … she allowed me to leave part of my cells created inside body to be left inside her … these cells literally contains half of my genes, of me, of my very being … left inside her … then they go up into her womb the source of life, that the ONE who is LIFE created her womb to be the source of life … my cells goes there and rest … they start to dissolve into the cells of her womb … absorbed into her cells … disappear and no longer be present alone, but now they are parts integrated into her cells … the utmost union … Is there a union deeper than this!! Is there a union higher than this!! Can this union be erased!!

The imprint of her inner muscles are engraved over my man … even after my man is out, I still feel her … my skin melted from her warmth, squeezed by her muscles … stretched, tossed and turned, tightened around, wrenched …  her inside is engraved on my man, and I carry this with me wherever I go … Is there a deeper union!! Is there a higher union!! Can this union be erased!!

Can there be any gaps now … Can there be any boundaries now!! … We did not have it really, so yes gaps and boundaries … No, we had it, we felt guilty. How we feel guilty for something did not happen! so No gaps no boundaries … We had it but we did not have it … perplexing!!. … We had it in a different way a unique way … our way … Could not describe it better than the “universe” who saw us, got so moved to write about us …

With all the thorns around us our flower still grows … How!! why!! How!! why!! … Will it keep growing and blossom into a beautiful rose … will it wither and die eventually and will not conquer the thorns, and fall on the ground, and disappear in the soil fertilizing it, turning the soil from a barren land where thorns only grow, into a fertile soil where flowers can blossom again … or will it be like a caterpillar that exudes silk as they move for people to enjoy, then it create a cocoon where it pupates and metamorphosis into untouched beautiful free flying butterfly …

Free flying  … freedom … a word that send shivers into my spine … and my heart pounds when it hear its sound, like when I hear Santa Claus bill is ringing near and nearer … so precious … All of us love freedom and home … the place you find yourself the most, where there is the most relaxation, serenity, calmness, worry-free land, and where your heart and freedom truly lies … Can anyone let go of such freedom for bondage!! … It is whether his master is heart-melting one that I would say I love my master I don’t want to go free, or it is another kind freedom, another taste of freedom, a freedom that comes from unity from being one from being complete, as the bible in many translations reveals, that the slave asked to be nailed to the door because he loves his wife and his children … The slave was granted to get his freedom, and be a free man but with the price of leaving his wife and his children behind, freedom alone, be free alone or nail himself to the door, asking for slavery because he loves his wife and children (Exodus 21:4-6 CEV) …

We both love our freedom, we both have our fears and concerns, we both have our dreams and hopes, we both have our love, we both had the experience, we both were taken off guard, both have our problems some are major and some are minor, we both don’t know how it will going to be … Will it grow, will it die and give life after death, will it transform into a beautiful free  flying butterfly … In all this confusion and uncertainty, I am certain of 2 things; that it was real and it was a fairytale come true and I enjoyed every second of it and I will cherish it deep for the rest of my life … and Secondly, I am sure that an intimate friend is a flower that  can survive anything, and I pray we will always be …

Love without Sex!!

Eblees el fas el yemeen..!!

The title means “the devil of the right lobe of your brain” … She once said and it sounded like a cry “Rabena ye7faz men Eblees el fas el yemeen, las3etoo gamada …” it means “God protect from the mightness of the hurt of the devil of the right lobe …”

We were talking and I think we reached a level of understanding we did not reach with each other before … then she asked me to pray for her prophecy … In my own experience, I have seen such people destroying others by their prophecy for them, so when she told me; my reaction was not what she was needing and expecting it …

However, my reaction was exactly what she needed … she needed me to pray, and for me to pray I need to feel and believe what I am praying for … So what appeared as an argument, it was in a matter of fact my trial to get into her shoes, and I did, and now I can pray …

My Lord, Abah El Aab, I don’t know how to start or from where … I humbly ask to enter your presence, your mighty one your holy one, I know I don’t deserve to enter or talk to you … But I ask you in the name of your Jesus Son, in holy blood to cover me with beautiful fragrance to be worthy to enter your mighty and holy presence … I want to talk to my Abah El Aab, I want to talk to YOU… my heart is torn and all my abilities and powers seem impotent now, because my eyes are watching your daughter, the one who is living dead the one who needs your promise of resurrection, and as I watch her everyday now struggling, my heart gets torn and I feel impotent unable to help or do anything … I believe from all of my heart it is not a man’s job, no one can do anything, and that is why I am here now Abah El Aab, I am here bowing on my knees kissing your feet and letting my tears flow over your feet … and I cry “resurrect her” oh Lord please do, deliver and do not be late , for your own sake … If I can’t see her being tortured everyday from inside, how about YOU … how can YOU see her like this and not do anything … I believe in YOUR MIGHT, YOU don’t need her to go to some place else to do a miracle … And I don’t know what YOU want her to do before YOU deliver, or to do something … All I know is that YOU CAN … Also I know enough leaving her torture in death everyday … Forgive me MY LORD, I crossed my line, I forgot who am I and who YOU are!! I can’t tell YOU “it is enough now” … But that is because more than anything in my life now, I want you to deliver and not be late … I cry for you to protect her from the devil of the right lobe … YOU know how she feels and how the situation is, I struggle to find words for it … the wounds are too deep that for medical men, they announce “it is hopeless” … but they are mere men, limited weak pathetic, but YOU are mighty, source of every LIFE … her memories are pierced into her heart and hanging from there as a very heavy weight no one can carry around, and at the piercing points there are holes that are leaking blood every second, life is being drained out of her every second and these holes gives no hope for medical intervention, because no matter how much blood we give her, these holes will drain it … she needs these piercing to be removed once and for all … no man surgeon can remove them, they announced hopeless from long time ago … She needs YOUR hands, that can give life and conquer death … And Oh Lord, even if these piercings are result of our stubbornness or actions, YOUR mercy has surpassed our transgressions when YOUR Jesus died for her … So deliver my Lord, deliver and don’t be late for your own sake … In Jesus name, Amen.

Like an ocean …!

She compared herself to the ocean or the sea … She saw that the sea is intimidating for men because down there you lose control, there are risks of life and death, mystery and scary enigma …

I happen to see the sea or the ocean a little differently, I always loved the water and swimming and never felt the sea is my enemy, I always found the sea is my friend, I find relaxation and comfort there … I also know that men have been always curious about the mysteries of the heart of the sea and the ocean, they wanted to invade it, know it, understand it and finally take control of it … yeah unfortunately at the end it is always man and testosterone ..!! … Nevertheless, the man loved the sea, though he was always cautious from its dangers while going down, still it did not stop him from creatively inventing ways and technologies to go deep as much as he can inside the sea, and as he reaches deep he gets more curious and wants to know more, see more and experience more … Of course, not all men are divers only some had passion for the bottom of the sea, yes all men wondered once how it feels down there, yet not all of them spared the time and energy to try it for themselves, some tried and weren’t much fond of it so they didn’t try it again, and few who got amazed by its complexity, its mystery, and its might as well as extreme beauty, those couldn’t stop diving and did whatever they can to keep diving …

Also, I find that when she said that swimming in the shallow waters is easier for men … I think she did not try swimming nor diving ;) … Yes, men love swimming but eventually they get tired from fighting the waves and the tide and they always end up on the shore, relaxing and enjoying the fun they had fighting the waves feeling like they conquered the sea … the tide pulls you and then throws you, back and forth till it wears all your strength, and at this moment men take the decision to swim out to the shore … Those who dived before, know that down there, there is no waves the sea is still with serenity and calmness, beauty and mystery … So for those who love diving  they spend some time playing with the waves, but then soon they dive to enjoy more …

However, she said something about the sea that I agree with, she said that the sea either throws a man out on the shore or drowns him. Yes the sea is mightier than man, and with all the inventions of man to invade the sea, he still can’t conquer it … That is why I love the sea but I respect its might … I love swimming for a while its fun, but I enjoy the beauty and serenity of the deep waters, but because the sea is mightier than man, it is always the sea’s choice to take him down or throw him out … I don’t like spending long time fighting the waves, the tide wears me and suck all energy and life out … I like to dive, but I always leaves that to the sea to decide whether welcomes you down or kills you drowning or have mercy on you and throws you to the shore..!!

Promises tweaked ..!!

I promised you 4 things;

1) I will always be there for you.

2) I will never make love to you the “sex” way that hurt your innocence, only the melting union way.

3) I will keep writing and will never stop.

And now I make a fourth one;

4) I will not get upset, hurt or bitter when we talk about “J” again. I don’t think I even  have the right anymore.

 

But now I think the last promise needs tweaking, because the problem wasn’t about one person only, it was about me sinking into my feelings, blinded and deaf can’t hear you crying for my help and can’t see you weeping, so today that promise get the right tweaking;

4) I promise you true love; Jesus love, communication and most importantly understanding all the way.

Because without this last promise I will not be able to fulfill my first one … I will not be able to be your “ring buoy” … Because I know that a time will come soon, may be in few days when you will meet your loved one, may be you will receive another blow or crash, may be the storm will rise up and walls will tumble and earth will grumble and at this moment you will need an intimate friend who you can cry on his shoulder, scream and shout your pain, anger and frustration, and he should not be focused on his feelings he should be there for you … And I am afraid that my man’s strength would fail me then, but I trust in the Lord who walked so far with me will deliver HIS strength that can stand the storm, HE has always been faithful and never failed me once … Now I understand that you don’t need a lover, you need a passionate loving friend who loves you as Jesus did, you need an intimate friend ..!!

A prayer for strength …!

Oh my Lord, since I knew her I was praying to put life back in her, to resurrect her, to mend her broken heart …. And I still ask YOU to deliver and not be late for YOUR own sake …

But my Lord, I come to YOU today, humbled and praying to give me strength to be there for her, to fulfill my promise, and fulfill the purpose for it YOU put me in her life that I don’t know it yet …

Oh Lord, at the moments when she needed me most I wasn’t there, not only that but I burnt her out of jealousy and frustration and feeling injustice … I was centered to my needs and forgot about hers…

Oh my Heavenly Father, I need YOUR strength not a man’s strength that fails when the storm rises up and walls tumble and the earth grumble … I need YOUR strength to be there for her when she needs me, to be able to give her love, communication and most importantly understanding, to be able to fulfill my promises … to truly love her as YOU loved her and gave yourself for her … in Jesus Name, Amen.

Thankful prayer ..!

Thank you Lord for YOU never forgot to take care of me … Thank you for bringing her back, forgive for I despaired and lost life because she left … But YOU were kind and gentle to mend what happened … I don’t know how you did it or what YOU did but it worked and she came back … And for this I am very grateful Oh Lord … I don’t know whether YOU put forgiveness in heart or YOU put passion or YOU just created her as a gracious forgiving person, I just don’t know how it happened, but I am grateful it happened …

Forgive me for I lose faith in YOU many times, though I proclaim that YOU are in charge and I shout I believe so, but my actions says something else, it says that by my words or by what I say or by my logic and brains I will fix things … But this time there was no space for me to say anything or do anything … But YOU were there and YOU mended it …

Thank you my Lord … Thank you …

“Welcome Back” …!

I did not sleep for 24 hours, I have gut-wrenching pain in my stomach, I did not eat all day, very tired, I spent my day trying to finish as much of the to-do list as possible, not to mention the new things that come up in your way and you have to do it as well, many of the to-do list things needed thinking and intellectual power which with no sleep and pain was almost impossible … But I am determined to write this overdue post to defy some delusional conclusions of why I didn’t write it yet…!

After a long day of being scorched inside till death, we had the chance to talk for some time, and suddenly while the talk was reaching its end, I felt her back so I couldn’t contain myself because a flood of cool water gushed inside and put off that burning pain and life came in within, I felt I have a desire for everything and for pleasure again, so I asked her if I dare to tell  her something and I said “welcome back” she flipped and quickly reacted “who said so, I am not back, and take it back …” though I went along with her reaction, I still felt she is back, and what confirmed my feeling is when she called me “my imaginary friend” …

But why I felt her back and why she said no, simply because we had different definitions or views of “being back” … Simply for me, “being back” is the exact of opposite of what I explained about the meaning of “she left .. detached” … Being back means I can feel her inside again, feels like when a man making love to his wife she is reacting with him, he feels her and she feels him, feels like when you talk to someone it is not like talking to a hollow shell with no one inside, it feels more like when you set with a person and look to each other and not say a word, but when you leave you feel you had the conversation of your life … For me this definition or view of “being back” is the source of my life in this relation, and that is why I kept saying no matter how this relation takes another form or shape, I will be happy and alive, even if this relation became just friends who talk once every now and then, because even I don’t talk to her all that time, I will always be feeling her like those who sat with each other and did not say a word but left feeling they had the conversation of their life …

For her “being back” meant back to the way we spend time together, the way we talk and what we say to each other, what we feel while we are talking to each other .. We failed to find a definition or label to put for the way we spend time together and the way we make each other feel … but in this way, it gave a great space for both of us to be vulnerable and naked, she has been burnt by my reactions out of jealousy and frustration … And that is why she was very cautious to let herself back to this place where she can get burnt again …

For me I was very grateful to feel her back, even she was cautious of her own return … I was filled with gratitude because for a long day I felt I lost her with no return … So I was ready to be very happy and content with any of the crumbs of what we had as long as I can feel her back according to my own definition.

How it felt when she left …!

I told her that the meaning of “she left” is that she “detached” that I can’t feel her presence anymore, even though she was present and she was there hugging me, and covering me with her body … She felt dead to me, I couldn’t feel her inside, she was like a hollow shell to someone who is not in there anymore … My definition to “detached” is like when a man is forcing his wife to make love to her, and she doesn’t want to but because he is a man and it’s his right and she is his possession, and she was raised up and been taught that when your man wants you, you should give yourself without questioning because you are his, and at this moment she lies on the bed lifeless dead not feeling anything not even crying because she is not there anymore “detached” …

So how does the feeling of detached felt like; it left like I am being scorched alive from inside till ashes, felt like suddenly savagely pulling off a tree from its river source of life and threw it in the dessert .. I felt powerless, lifeless, I couldn’t do anything, my mind stopped functioning all together, and finally from the overwhelming fatigue I went to sleep … Well, I told her how it felt, but I did not tell her how it really felt …

So here is how it really felt … Back in some days not long ago, I was an addict, and I used to go to the thing I am addicted to, to get relief from my pain, my despair, my depression, my angry, my lust, my boredom … And I used to get a momentarily pleasure, but that momentarily pleasure engraved deep into my memory, that when my mind feels any of the above feelings, it automatically desire and demand that momentarily pleasure, and I never had any difficulty getting my addictive substance, it was always there free and very easy accessed just one click away … When I felt her detachment, I wanted to get this burning pain relieved so I pushed myself to reach for my addictive substance that was always falsely true to me and never failed me, but you know what happened, I did not feel the desire for it, I searched deep inside to find any desire I found none, I even pushed myself to desire it and get reminding myself  of the pleasure but it did not work … You know why, because I lost desire to everything, to life and to pleasure, my pleasure centers believed nothing will please them anymore, because my brains stopped functioning and my heart stopped beating … that is how it really felt!

She left …!

She left content with the legacy we have till she finds out what she should/would/want to do!! …  so far love did not find a way or its way …!! I don’t know why does she believe that tomorrow will be a new day; is it because she will be back, or is it because she decided not to come back because she is so hurt to no return, or does she thinks that my love is so fairytalely that a couple of days I will get over it and go back to my life ..!! I don’t know …

I know her world is spinning very fast and can never stop, and I did not want to take her from her world, I just wanted to be with her in her spinning world, in any way or form or label. I always said I will be content and happy because she will always be there … But now she left, so no matter what shape or form it takes, I will feel lifeless, and I will go back to where I came from!!

I always believed that we will find a way to keep into our spinning worlds, and I told her if we believe we can climb mountains, I literally believed that “we are in this together…” because I believe if she is not physically with me and each is in his own world, I still can feel her next to me and she can feel me next to her because both of us are there even when we are busy in our worlds … and even when this relation takes any other form or label still we are there, she can feel me and I can feel her … and that is why I was happy and content …

But now, I feel she took the decision to leave with no return and be content with the legacy … Am I jumping to conclusions, may be I don’t know, that what I feel now anyways … But she is struggling with the way of how to do so, just for my sake !!! Unfortunately, when she manages to do that, my new tomorrow will be the place where I came from..!!! I don’t know how I am feeling so, but I still believe love will find a way and she will be back … I will be waiting!!

Promises!

I made you 3 promises so far;

1) I will always be there for you.

2) I will never make love to you the “sex” way that hurt your innocence, only the melting union way.

3) I will keep writing and will never stop.

And now I make a fourth one;

4) I will not get upset, hurt or bitter when we talk about “J” again. I don’t think I even  have the right anymore.

I love you …

hopeful or hopeless love!!

I love a person who is so beautiful and unique that I never thought one like her may exist … But she doesn’t know if she loves me, because the way she believes in love is high and sacred that shows only how pure and honest and beautiful and sincere and faithful the woman is … the circumstances I met her at are dire … Wise people will talk about the right thing to do, and some even will try to convince that you are still at the shore and you can turn back … Even she herself doubted to what extent she might detach from me … and some may ask what or why am I doing !!! … I tell them take my eyes and look at her … I believe wishing to have met her at different circumstances would be easier to come true than to find someone like her again, that is how much I love her … and she said you make me happy, you give me a constant high, and you are the first person I wake up I think of and I talk to you till I go to sleep … you may call me hopeless romantic but may be because I still believe love will find a way …

myspace layouts

In a perfect world
One we've never known
We would never need to face the world alone
They can have the world
We'll create our own
I may not be brave or strong or smart
But some where in my secret heart
I know
Love will find a way
Any where we go
I'm home
If you are there beside me
Like dark turning into day
Some how we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way

I was so afraid
Now I realize
Love is never wrong
And so it never dies
There's a perfect world
Shining in your eyes
And if only they could feel it too
The happiness I feel with you
They'd know
Love will find a way
Any where we go
we're home
If we are there together
Like dark turning into day
Some how we'll come through
Now that I've found you
Love will find a way
I know love will find a way

Quenched!!

For a while now I wanted to write, hundreds of thoughts but I did not have the chance … My brain is starting to get cluttered that it is hard to function, and my heart is getting weary and heavy with the many things accumulating that need to be done and I don’t have interest in almost all of them, sadly more, to do these things I will have to postpone many of the things I am really interested in … But that is not what I want to write about … I just needed to spill that sigh out because it was smothering me to the extent I was not able to write, and I needed badly to write, so I needed to spill it out.

For long I have been parched … I was thirsty to make someone happy and satisfied … I needed to feel I am a good man, like my father … life has bone-dried me, and from just a feeling of a loser it is started to be a fact, I was about to feel shamed, in a matter of fact I did feel shamed …

But today, a person, a wonderful gracious queen, who told me before that she loves me, that I satisfied her, that I made her high, who I saw myself in her eyes as a worthy good person that revolutionized my world … today she told me something different, she told that she told her dear friend about “how is an experience is to meet a good man in your life!!” …

aahhh, my thirst is now slaked … the dictionary defines “quenched” as; Said of a metal which was first heated and then cooled by thrusting into water or other liquid, for the purpose of hardening or tempering. Today you made a parched heart slaked and strong hard again, so “Thank you”! … Even I am addicted to you now, even I sleep and I wake up talking to you till I sleep again, and do nothing in my life, I am happy because you are strengthening and tempering me … I love you from every cell in my body, and I will always be in debt to you … And I will always remember “ We are in this together, if I fall you raise me up, and if you fall I raise you up … You will always have my shoulder, and I will always have your shoulder” … So again, THANK YOU …!

From caterpillars into beautiful butterflies!

As I am mourning her death, flashes of our talk comes to my mind … I remember her telling me “ … the problem is not you, nor him, the problem is in me … I should disappear …” And as I remember this sentence, it struck me a scene from the movie “Patch Adams”, one of my favorite movies. Anyways, allow me to talk you through the below excerpts of the script by describing the scenes.

Now Patch is talking about how it all began with and how he felt then;

All of life is a coming home.
            Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers--
            all of us.
            All the restless hearts of the world...
            all trying to find a way home.
            It's hard to describe what I felt like then.
            Picture yourself walking for days in a driving snow.
            You don't even know you're walking in circles--
            the heaviness of your legs in the drifts;
            your shouts disappearing into the wind.
            How small you can feel.
            How far away home can be.
            Home.
            The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin...
            and a goal or destination.
            And the storm?
            The storm was all in my mind.
            Or, as the poet Dante put it...
            "ln the middle of the journey of my life I found myself in a dark wood...
            for I had lost the right path."
            Eventually I would find the right path...
            but in the most unlikely place.

Then he self-admitted to the hospital for suicide, and there he finds his passion of really helping people and never giving up on them, he joins medical school, he starts his small circle of friends, a boy and a girl whom he falls in love with her, her name is Carin … Together they start a small clinic that receives patients who are uninsured, and care for them by simply listening for them or satisfying a need as much as he can, he simply says I am here for you and I am not giving up. And at this clinic the following scene goes between him and Carin after a long day of work …

Carin:  Hi

Patch: Hi.
Everyone asleep?

Carin: Yeah.
             But it ain't me.
             You okay?
Patch: Yeah.

Carin: Hmm.
              God, Patch, it's amazing.
Patch: What?

Carin:  Just what you've done with this place, you know.
Patch: You too. –

Carin: Well.
                These people that we're helping--
                they would have had nowhere to go.
                You're a good man.

 Then he tries to approach her for a kiss, but she backs away a little …then he says; 

Patch :  What are we?
                Is it me?
                I mean, are we just-- are we good friends that occasionally kiss?
        Then she replies with tears in her eyes;     

Carin: Patch...
                my entire life...
                men have been...
                attracted to me.
                My entire life.
                When I was a little girl...
                I would look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars.
                I envied them so much.
                No matter what they were before...
                no matter... what happened to them...
                they could just hide away, you know...
                and turn into these beautiful creatures that could fly away...
                completely untouched.
                I hated men so much.
                I wanted nothing to do with them.
                Then I met you.
                The way that you help people, Patch--
                The changes I see in everybody that's around you--
                I love you.
                I've loved you for so long.

But then one of the patients, that she felt is weird but Patch told her to not give up on people, she trusted Patch and went to his home to help, but he killed her … It destroyed Patch, he gave up on people, on patients, he gave on the clinic, his school … He couldnot  attend her funeral, he waited till everyone left, and then he approached her coffin, and started to tell her a poem, he did not had the chance to finish before …

Patch:  Told you I'd finish it some other time.
                Guess now's okay.
                "l love you without knowing how... or when...
                or from where.
                I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride.
                I love you because I know no other way than this.
                So close...
                that your hand on my chest is my hand.
                So close that when you close your eyes...
                I fall asleep."

Then he falls on her coffin crying and shouting:
                I'm sorry, honey! I'm sorry!

Then he threw away all his stuff in school, takes his car to a high cliff over a mountain, steps out of the car, walk to the very last edge of the cliff, raises his eyes to the skies and talk to God;

Patch: So what now, huh?
                What do You want from me?
                Yeah, I could do it.
                We both know You wouldn't stop me.
                So answer me, please.
                Tell me what You're doing.
                Okay, let's look at the logic.
                You create man.
                Man suffers enormous amounts of pain.
                Man dies.
                Maybe You should have had just a few more brainstorming sessions...
                prior to Creation.
                You rested on the seventh day.
                Maybe You should have spent that day on compassion.
                You know what?
                You're not worth it.

But as he turns his back from the cliff, he sees a breath-taking beautiful butterfly setting over his bag, and then flies over him, to kiss his heart and then she stands over his hand, while is smiling of ecstatic joy and surprise, and then he raises his hand for the butterfly to fly high, and it flew high and higher as he watched happily …

He realized at this moment, that his love Carin’s wish came true and she is happy now, she died but she metamorphosed into a beautiful butterfly, it flew “untouched” … This moment gave all life back to Patch because he realized she is not dead, she had a new life as untouched beautiful free butterfly, at last her heart’s desire of flying free untouched came true … That made Patch go back to school and finish it with high honors …. He came back to people and not giving up on them !!!.

You may ask me how this is related to what my love told me  in the beginning of this post, I don’t know … but it is the part where she come back from death as a beautiful free untouched butterfly …

How life comes out of death ..!

I feel drained of all energy, for my love is now dead and I am longing for the miraculous resurrection … I was there at the moment of her death, like I was at the moment of my father’s death … The days after, my head was heavy clouded with only scenes of his last moments before he gave life … And once again, after a day of her death, my head was heavy clouded with scenes of her last moments … Now my mind is so cluttered that it is hard for it to function, my thoughts bounce around as if my mind is a pinball machine, my brain feels as if it is a television set with all the channels going at once  … I cry for the Lord for the life that comes of out death …

People live there lives in different ways, some live it like no tomorrow, some over indulge in tomorrow, some think of materials and possessions only, and some think of living life devoid of everything, and between all of these there those who like the smell of every flower … Some people live only for God, few deny HIS existence, but most can’t utter such denial nevertheless they live in hiding, and get cover in the shadows of a busy schedule of life …

But there is something all of these agree on, only things like this happens once in mankind history, such thing is they all agree when you die you meet with GOD !! And as I imagine, that even for those who lived their lives with GOD, in close relation, still meeting with HIM is a different experience … In my faith, some people happened to meet with GOD while they are still living, and it was different, yet different would be understatement here … I would say it is a “life-death experience” …

Because in HIS Mighty presence you are shook to your core, your cells jump out of your body, and all of yourself, your being and your past, present and future is nakedly exposed in HIS presence … So some may argue that all yourself and your being and your past, present and future is exposed to HIM while you were living, so what is the so “different” about such experience …!

I don’t claim I got the answer, but I think, the difference is that you are there at this moment, not hiding or thinking you are hiding escaping looking into HIS eyes, or pretending HE is not here or looking at you … The difference now is that you are faced with the fact that you can’t go anywhere or do anything but to talk to HIM … And here lies the “life-death experience”, it differs now how you are used to talk to HIM, whether you used to talk to HIM as a loving caring gentle FATHER of all, or as a feared mighty GOD … Because now, when HE speaks, your heart melts, your soul is shaken. And with HIS words, HE can put life back into you which ends in a miraculous resurrection, and that is why it is a “life-death experience” and that is how life can come out of death,  because death offers you the opportunity of meeting with HIM in a life changing way, something you may have sought all your life or may have tried to avoid it all your life, but now you have no choice but to experience it.

And some may ask me, why at this experience death does not come out at the end, because logically life gives birth to life and death gives birth to death!! … I tell these, you can’t be more right, because in my faith MY FATHER is the source of all life, and HE promised me a wonderful life, the “better life” … So whenever I meet HIM I know I am promised life and never death, and I will never experience the kind of death that gives birth to death, I will only experience the life changing one, the one that life comes out of death!!.

يا رب اسمع صراخي ...!

يا رب اسمع صراخي و لا تحجب وجهك عني ... محتاج اليك جدا ... أصرخ اليك بدموعي تحنن عليَ و عليها ... تحنن يا سيد ... تحنن يا أبويا يا أباه الاب ... لانك أمين توعد توفي, و أنت وعدتها أن تحيها بعد صلبها, لانك حنين تحس بي و بيها فتحنن يا سيد و لا تؤخر, لانك صالح اردت لها الحياة بل و أكثر ....

ادخل محضرك بالنعمة غير مستحق لكن كلي ثقة لاني مرشوش بدمك الغالي ...

حبيبتي قد ماتت اليوم و هي عندك الان ... فراقها قد مزق قلبي و اوخر قوتي و اسال دوموعي بدون توقف ... فردها لي, هب لها حياة من جديد و قلب نابض من جديد ... لانك قلت "لإلحاحها استجاب" و أنا لن اترك محضرك لن اترك قدميك حتى تستجيب ... فتحنن يا سيد و لا تؤخر ...

My Love, just a thought!

Every time we meet, I am on my toes, I blew my brains and stretch myself to my limits for one reason only, not to hurt you … I stretch myself and blew my brains to tune up the rhythm … but I usually fail.

When I told you that those people whom I love did not know either, it was my best try to tell you that you mean to me more than anyone else, and my prove was that these people don’t know either … lame may be, but I had no other prove except to tell you what I did, and I couldn’t … I was hurting and my brains were mentally clouded, and I was pushed to tell something I could not utter, and in the midst of all I wanted to prove to you that you mean to me more than anyone or anything else in my life. And that is how I did.

But you compared me to your people the way you thought I am comparing you to my people ... and I ached when you did that, because I was not comparing you in the first place to anyone, and your people just reminded me that I am not your boyfriend nor I am your soul friend … And even if we will compare my people logically, one is dead, 2 I don’t talk to more the twice a year, and an imaginary figure of “my wife”, whom you know very well I wished many times from the bottom on my heart it would be you.

I ached when you said “brought me back to my senses” … like what we had was not real, like it was some kind of “euphoria”. I ached when you could not believe me when I told you that “you are to me what you think you are to me”. I ached the way you said bye “ alright, so until later” , I ached when you answered the phone in a tone like what do you want now.

I know you hurt so much when you read “my wife” that you almost cried or did cry … and you know that I wished that this wife would be you, ironically you got hurt of yourself. I know you were hurt, and in your hurt you stabbed me. And again, I remember that with all my words I still even when I mean to do good, I can do harm.

Habiby I am ready to tell you what I did to prove to you that you are to me what you think you are to me, to believe me, to bring you back to what you used to feel about me. I am ready to crucify myself in front of you to make you believe … and I am not trying to patronize you here, or to show you how good I am … I am simply trying to tell you that I love you more than anything and you mean to me more than anyone or anything and you are to me what you thought you are and I want you to believe me.

All that aches will go away in an eye blink, when you tell me you believe me, when I feel I am back to you what I used to be.

Habiby, but more than all my aches that can be postponed, if I have one prayer to say now, I would pray that you experience a Godly presence a Lordly presence that would shake your heart to the core and bring life back into you, a healing time in the retreat … in Jesus name, Amen.

Lord I need you!

She wanted to know what I did … YOU know ..! She kept pushing for it, but I couldn’t tell her … YOU know how much I am hurt and YOU know how much I am sorry. Oh Lord, I wanted to tell her that she means to me more than anyone or anything, and when I tried to do so, I did not know how but to tell her that she is not less than all the people I love, she is more than them, and my prove that I did not tell them either … I wanted to prove to her that she means more to me than anyone else…

But she did not see it this way, oh FATHER … she did not believe me … she even got hurt, and in her hurt she stabbed me without knowing … oh FATHER, YOU know what she said and what I said, YOU were there … And that is why I need YOU … I see my weakness and incapability everyday, I see my sins and shame everyday .. That when I think I am strong or magical, my actions fails me … I saw today that what I meant to be used for good did harm … I am always reminded that without YOU I can’t do anything, and without YOU my words are lifeless are powerless, they even do harm even when they are said for good.

I beg you to touch her heart, and use my words to bring her back to what she used to feel about me, to believe that she means to me what she thought she means to me …

But more than anything, I beg YOU, to give her a different time at the retreat, a different presence of YOURS, a personal meeting with YOU that will shake her heart and bring life back into her … a healing time my Lord my FATHER … in Jesus name, Amen

A broken cry to the Lord!

Oh my Lord, I need to talk with you, I need to argue with you … Hear my cry and don’t turn your face away from me … I love someone you created magnificently … She had died and she needs you to put life back into her … you know I talked to you about her before, do you remember!! you said if the mother forgot her child you don’t forgot him … So how can you forget her, and why are you still silent, and why are you late!!

I love her and she loves me … I asked you to protect our relation and keep it … I believe you will, because you are the one who put us together, you had a reason and a purpose … She loves you as I love you too … She wants to obey you and live for you and your glory and I do too … I announce my feelings for her to you, I bring it to your light, to your holy presence … She told me she wants to punish herself and I don’t know why, but I am sure you know, and I am sure you are feeling her struggle right now … I beg you to reach for her, and touch this tumbling splashing vigorous waves inside her … Order the wind and the sea to rest and quiet as you did before and that everything be calm .. I will not say “before she sinks and die”, because you said before “why are you afraid? Don’t you have any faith!” … I have faith my Lord, I have faith that we will never sink while we are with you, our boat will the shore safely because you are in it with us no matter how strong is the wind and the storm, because with you there is no death only life, and darkness can never approach you …

I lay my feelings in your holy presence to bless it, to pure it and make it worthy of your holiness with the blood shed from the lamb … I am not shamed in your presence because I do not lust her my Lord I love her … because you are so loving you are the only one who can understand, who can feel us … take us in your arms, warm us with your love, purify us with your blood, and touch our hearts and put an everlasting breath “life” of yours … Life that is not human made, life that doesn’t die, life that is strong … Hold us tight my Lord, my Father and never let go of us, we want to be together with you forever, in Jesus name, Amen.