How it felt when she left …!

I told her that the meaning of “she left” is that she “detached” that I can’t feel her presence anymore, even though she was present and she was there hugging me, and covering me with her body … She felt dead to me, I couldn’t feel her inside, she was like a hollow shell to someone who is not in there anymore … My definition to “detached” is like when a man is forcing his wife to make love to her, and she doesn’t want to but because he is a man and it’s his right and she is his possession, and she was raised up and been taught that when your man wants you, you should give yourself without questioning because you are his, and at this moment she lies on the bed lifeless dead not feeling anything not even crying because she is not there anymore “detached” …

So how does the feeling of detached felt like; it left like I am being scorched alive from inside till ashes, felt like suddenly savagely pulling off a tree from its river source of life and threw it in the dessert .. I felt powerless, lifeless, I couldn’t do anything, my mind stopped functioning all together, and finally from the overwhelming fatigue I went to sleep … Well, I told her how it felt, but I did not tell her how it really felt …

So here is how it really felt … Back in some days not long ago, I was an addict, and I used to go to the thing I am addicted to, to get relief from my pain, my despair, my depression, my angry, my lust, my boredom … And I used to get a momentarily pleasure, but that momentarily pleasure engraved deep into my memory, that when my mind feels any of the above feelings, it automatically desire and demand that momentarily pleasure, and I never had any difficulty getting my addictive substance, it was always there free and very easy accessed just one click away … When I felt her detachment, I wanted to get this burning pain relieved so I pushed myself to reach for my addictive substance that was always falsely true to me and never failed me, but you know what happened, I did not feel the desire for it, I searched deep inside to find any desire I found none, I even pushed myself to desire it and get reminding myself  of the pleasure but it did not work … You know why, because I lost desire to everything, to life and to pleasure, my pleasure centers believed nothing will please them anymore, because my brains stopped functioning and my heart stopped beating … that is how it really felt!