She once wrote about when to leave … She wrote that an honorable person knows when he should leave … My mind and heart did not quiet swallow this sentence, as I had a different perspective of viewing honor …
If you are like me, when you hear any of the following words, shivers go through your spine, your back straighten up, adrenaline gushes into your veins, your face intensifies and your whole being is in a state of war and victory … Honor … noble … chivalry … courageous … valor … gallantry … valiance … promise … men of honor … Do you feel the shivers, the gush … Well, emotional men like me can easily be used and manipulated by others under such influence of these words of gods … I am trying to set the horizons for how deep and far my soul can go against the influence and life definition of these words in the midst of a world where lying and manipulation are considered normal, where such meanings are only found in fairytales of King Arthur and Hercules …
Anyways, let me not lose focus here … The way I perceived an honorable man is the one who stays … who fights … who takes responsibility … I perceived leaving as coward and betrayal …
I loved a woman a girl … I loved someone who I found all heart desires come true in her … I loved someone whose passion and warmth wraps you as a baby whose mother tightly and tenderly wrapped him in a baby cloth … I loved a goddess a queen who is desired and worshipped by everyone … I loved a woman whose brain is as seductive as her radiant beauty, I am humbled to have the chance to engage into intellectual talks with her, to witness her brain in action and in life … I can go on and on about her, but for today I would say in a nutshell I love a rare precious woman and a girl …
So what seems to be the problem … She is in love with her man … She is the most faithful loyal woman I met … But her home is shaking, her home experienced many shocks of earthquakes over the years, her home is completely wrecked now, the home that witnessed her youth and age, the home that embraced her in the cold nights, the home that she experienced peace and rest, the home that she took shelter and help … This home is on the brink of complete collapse, its walls tumbled in many places, its roof fallen and its pillars are deeply cracked … It looks like an abandoned home, you wouldn’t believe that there is someone who is still living in that home … But there is, the woman I love, the most beautiful woman inside and gorgeous outside … She is staying not only because she is faithful and loyal, but because she wants to be in her home … When the walls were tumbling and the roof was falling, she got deeply wounded, the heavy rocks crushed her bones, and the iron bar wreckage pierced her body and her heart, leaving her inside her home bleeding between life and death … You may call her from outside and ask her to get out of this home before she die inside … This would sound sane and right … But she would reply, this is my home if I get out I am homeless, even if it is a wrecked home but it is a home, not only a home, but my home, the place that was my shelter my peace and my rest, the place where I was infiltrated and penetrated with love … And when it was falling, its rocks and ruins crushed and pierced me, it is my blood that is covering the floors, the walls, it is my flesh that is torn into pieces and scattered everywhere … How could you ask me to get out … That is my world as I know it …
But there lies the woman I love, wounded, bleeding, between life and death … Not only her home is on the brink of collapse, but the winds and life harshness is blowing from everywhere, her home is not able to cover her, warm her from the coldness and harshness of life, shelter her from the winds … I find myself running in, while she is inside her home, I wrap her, I try to get her stand up, I try to treat the wounds, I try to stand against the winds, I try to cover her from the coldness … I cry with her, I laugh with her and I pray for her and with her … I want to stay till the home is built up again, and then I would leave from the new door, or I would stay till it collapses on both of us …
Sounds heroic, gallant and honorable … If there is a crowd, people would be shouting, clapping and crying for such a scene … But don’t, I am not a hero … This woman is giving me so much … Next to her I feel life, I can breathe … I can look up see the skies and I can dream … And as I carry her, I get more stronger … Next to her I am kept on my toes, I am motivated to eat stones, to face my weaknesses, to progress to develop to change … Take me away from her, and you are ripping life off me … You are ripping everything good and beautiful I experienced in my life …
Instead of asking when to leave, people should ask why to leave … In my opinion, you only leave if you are hurting or abusing someone or getting hurt or abused by someone … But there may be other reasons, in my case she asked for freedom and space, she cried it out loud, because she is getting more attached to me …
Now I have to decide … When to leave; never, I don’t leave, I don’t want to leave, I will never leave … She also asked me not to wait for her … Not to wait means to fall out of love, for as long as I am in love I will always wait … I can not stop loving her, I don’t want to stop loving her, I will not fall out of love … So that leave us with giving her some distance and space … That is her right …
If I am a true man of honor, I should be able to give her what she is asking for … But oh Lord! oh people! could someone tell me how could I do so !! … How could I not see the face that my eyes see colors in life when she is around … How could I not see the smile that brightens my life … How could I stay away from my home, when I spend 4 days away, I feel as if I was in a desert and when the day I will see her comes, I get quenched, I am back home … How after I got used to work with her, and with every minute, there is an eye contact, there is a smile drawn for something done or accomplished … How after I witnessed her being lifted up, happy and supported, and after all what she is going through at least something good is happening to her … How after her presence became essential for me to go on, work, move, wake up, talk, think, dream and breathe … Someone may say that if what you have is true and deep, you can experience it across the miles … I agree, but what you don’t understand is that her physical presence, my eyes seeing her, working every minute together, hand in hand in every single detail, will never be compensated by phone calls … This is my life that I come to know, and got attached to it as the heart to its coronary arteries …
So ask me now … what will I do? … I don’t know, I am crying to the Lord, please tell me what should I do … I believe that my presence with her, is essential for life to me … And for her, it is supporting and helping her … But in the same time my Lord, she wants to be free, to have time with him, to be able to go back to him if she wants … We both want to do YOUR will ... what shall I do my Lord … what shall I do … You know how much my heart is squeezed and my chest is suffocating while I am talking to YOU right now … please tell me what to do … Grant me the strength and power to obey You … bless her and grant me the strength and power … tell me what to do, oh my Lord …
