The three weeks before she left, were a long rollercoaster … Her whole life so far is a looooong rollercoaster … The 3 weeks started by his admission to the rehab center. The purpose was clear, he needs some quiet time to spend with God and himself, so that he is able to face his double relationship, and to be the first steps in the long journey of treatment of his disease. Hope raised again from the dead, and a heart, that once lost all her hopes, is able to hope again and pray again … She needed this time, to unburden, a quiet time to pray. To unburden from the daily consumption of witnessing her man’s talks about his suffering from letting go of the other one, and his requests to be there for him. He is asking his woman to be there and witness his struggle of inability to let go of the other woman! … But he didn’t have that insight, and no matter how many times she told him I am suffocating and you can’t take notice, he still couldn’t see it … It wasn’t his physical diseases that she needed to unburden from, she gracefully and lovingly embraced his physical diseases and tenderly took care of him. She promised to be with him in thin and thick, in good or bad, and she was to the last minute … But to be there witnessing her man telling her in the face “I am confused!!” that is brutal … She needed quiet time to collect herself back, to recharge, to go back to the Lord and spend time … And for the first time after a looong time, she was able to wake up feeling peaceful and quiet and able to pray … But not for long, it didn’t last more than a couple of days, when this was snatched by witnessing one of her friend’s relationship struggle and fight, not to mention the rest of her life craziness, at home, at work and of course the phone that never stops ringing, always people want something from her … demands, requests, consumptions … aaahhh enough, the sad thing is, even when you scream enough, nothing happens …
Days close to the end, and the day of his dismissal from the rehab started to hover in the horizon carried with uneasy derogating wind. She heard that he is confused, he can’t and not ready to take a decision, he is having pros and cons on paper, he will discuss or discussed them with 5 people. But she tried to keep herself together, the whole time she has been missing him badly, desiring to touch and enjoy her man’s return home, proud for finishing his first steps, but these feelings were submersed by the observations, expectations and constant battle between a right and left brain, leaving both deeply bruised …. He came out, she didn’t know, she heard a day later, involuntarily her heart and mind lost it. As was being reassured that he didn’t abandon her, and he just been told not to talk to anyone, her heart was terrified of something ugly and excruciating … And it was true, the ferocious disease has split her man within few days, distorting his memory and judgment, and turned him into a merciless horrifying brutal giant. As she was sleeping in her home covered with all his memories and warmth, waiting and longing for her man to come back, he crashed in their home, went to her while she was sleeping in their bed longing & waiting for him, she gazed at him with shocking fear, it is her man, the same looks she has been familiarized with for so long, the same face imprinted in her memory, the same body she had touched and felt many times, the same hands she experienced their caress and warmth sending shivers in her womanly body, but it was not her man, not the man that deeply penetrated her, not the man she made love with, not the one she united with, not the man that became part of her … He grabbed her savagely, beat her up, stripped her naked and throw her out in the street, in the middle of the night, between life and death … a vegetable … And what killed her was not the beating but seeing him beating her. Him … the same person who offered deep passionate love, dedication and worship … For years he has been squeezing her while she was wrapped around him, as he squeezes more she fuses deeper … He breached deep beneath her exposed shattered core and clung his hands in the deep tissues. He united with her in her full mature ripeness … How could a human being just leave!! How possible someone just disappear and abandon!! Unless there is something fundamentally incongruous treacherous disfigured to the core, no one; human, animal or alien, no one in heaven or on earth could separate from such depth of infiltrating unity with such deep woman …
3 weeks before she had left, we both wished I accompany her, I deeply desired to be with her, sadly I couldn’t … So I thought how can I be there, I remembered that we once made love across miles, we once were able to be present and felt each other but not in the physical realm … I said to myself if I will not be able to be physically with her, then at least I should be present as I once was. I had an idea of writing every other day a nugget that would carry a thought, a feeling and a prayer, that would be written by a fountain pen on a vintage paper that arrives by post mail, every morning the door knocks, and a smiling postal person would greet her and deliver my letter. I imagined her prancing every morning to the door, her heart is experiencing some happiness waiting for the day’s letter, then she scampers back to her room to enjoy the reading of it, where some tears run down her fair cheeks, a smile that is drawn on her face, and may be a balsamic feeling that covers her wounds … But I couldn’t between the struggling times that occupied the minutes and the complicated calculation of postal delivery, not to mention Egyptian postal delivery. So I thought why not write all the letters and enclosed them in a small box that I would give her as something I am sending to the US, and there I surprise her that these are letters dated for each other day, and she open every one at its date. I imagined her impatiently reaching every morning for that little box, her eyes are glowing as she is opening the letter and then enjoy reading it, but I couldn’t give birth to all my feelings and thoughts in a cramped time. So I went back to my blog the place where her presence mused my brains, where I give birth to what is she’s going through, the place where my writings first came to life …
I also wished that some of what I experienced with her at the same place in different time, could be reincarnated once more. The long infatuated talks, amorous writings, a different high, a fairytale encounter. But as we said the time was different, reality is so present that you can do feel it. Because we became real, very real, we have been through thick and thin, high and low, good and bad for some time that felt very long enough to make us very real, naked real … Any reincarnation of a previous experience would have gave birth to a different level of unity. A unity I always desired and longed for … But she has just been thrown out naked in the streets by her man … Shivering of shocking disbelief, oozing blood from a shattered heart, a trembling body dressed in wounds … Instead of being swarm by other man’s arms, her vegetable condition required a balsam to paint her body, a shelter to cover her, and peaceful presence that helps her shivering disbelief calm down, where pain can sink deep and infiltrate her whole being … She longed for a man’s touch synchronously all her sensations were scalded rendering her untouchable … A tender touch would be a piercing prick … She had four reasons not to go into my arms; all were as strong as each other, but one of them really stopped me … She can’t go through all that turmoil, anguish and torture in vain, with no fruit at the end, with no meaning and worth at the end … I highly respected that …
She said what I am uttering with you I should be screaming to the Lord but I can’t … But I remembered and I could be mistaken, when she was back home, we used to speak for hours and hours only errands or meetings that took us from talking with each other, but this time it is only minutes or a couple of hours that we speak together, but then most of her time she is spending alone as if in a wilderness … Then I started looking at the picture differently, and I could be mistaken, we both wanted to be together this trip but we couldn’t, we can’t speak more then a couple of hours and some days, it’s few minutes, as if the Lord planned to isolate her, to take her in the wilderness alone … I remembered when we spoke after she heard the prayer, I childishly smiled and told her, you know what; I will be hovering around the desert from a distance waiting for you to come out … In a way, I felt that those 3 weeks were like this, she is in a wilderness alone and I am hovering around from a distance waiting for her … I knew the Lord was talking to her, and then it hit me, she should be screaming back to HIM … And then I knew I couldn’t make her scream to the Lord, but I knew I could do real labor … I have to intercede for her, fast for her … Intercede that she may scream back to the Lord … Fast that she may witness deliverance … Intercede and fast that she may be resurrected … Intercede and fast that she may live again … The days I used to spend with her in the office would be the days I am fasting in … I knew I will go into labor, and I made a deal with the Lord that as much pain as I go into labor as much mighty her deliverance would be … I got scared that my strength would fail me as always, but I remembered that her deliverance isn’t standing on my strength and labor, but on the Lord’s almighty’s promise HIMSELF … So I am interceding and fasting and crying to the Lord not scared because; the Lord promised HIMSELF, because the Lord CAN, and because the Lord is faithful can’t deny Himself … I have a great faith in the Lord and a great faith in her too ….
