My Love, just a thought!

Every time we meet, I am on my toes, I blew my brains and stretch myself to my limits for one reason only, not to hurt you … I stretch myself and blew my brains to tune up the rhythm … but I usually fail.

When I told you that those people whom I love did not know either, it was my best try to tell you that you mean to me more than anyone else, and my prove was that these people don’t know either … lame may be, but I had no other prove except to tell you what I did, and I couldn’t … I was hurting and my brains were mentally clouded, and I was pushed to tell something I could not utter, and in the midst of all I wanted to prove to you that you mean to me more than anyone or anything else in my life. And that is how I did.

But you compared me to your people the way you thought I am comparing you to my people ... and I ached when you did that, because I was not comparing you in the first place to anyone, and your people just reminded me that I am not your boyfriend nor I am your soul friend … And even if we will compare my people logically, one is dead, 2 I don’t talk to more the twice a year, and an imaginary figure of “my wife”, whom you know very well I wished many times from the bottom on my heart it would be you.

I ached when you said “brought me back to my senses” … like what we had was not real, like it was some kind of “euphoria”. I ached when you could not believe me when I told you that “you are to me what you think you are to me”. I ached the way you said bye “ alright, so until later” , I ached when you answered the phone in a tone like what do you want now.

I know you hurt so much when you read “my wife” that you almost cried or did cry … and you know that I wished that this wife would be you, ironically you got hurt of yourself. I know you were hurt, and in your hurt you stabbed me. And again, I remember that with all my words I still even when I mean to do good, I can do harm.

Habiby I am ready to tell you what I did to prove to you that you are to me what you think you are to me, to believe me, to bring you back to what you used to feel about me. I am ready to crucify myself in front of you to make you believe … and I am not trying to patronize you here, or to show you how good I am … I am simply trying to tell you that I love you more than anything and you mean to me more than anyone or anything and you are to me what you thought you are and I want you to believe me.

All that aches will go away in an eye blink, when you tell me you believe me, when I feel I am back to you what I used to be.

Habiby, but more than all my aches that can be postponed, if I have one prayer to say now, I would pray that you experience a Godly presence a Lordly presence that would shake your heart to the core and bring life back into you, a healing time in the retreat … in Jesus name, Amen.