Before I leave!

My dear MA, ES and KD:

I told MA and KD to check their email tonight, but I am sorry I did not deliver on time as I just finished talking to RA ... Don't do voices, we just started late as well, we started 1:35 ...

 

Anyways, while I was saying goodbye, there was so much that I wanted to say that my mind and my tongue froze ... I thought the best way may be to pour it on paper ..

 

I flashbacked to our first meetings, I can bet that MA's and KD's first few impression were negative. And then bit by bit, we started to open the doors of acquaintanceship, after they realized that I am harmless I just looked like that !!, by the time ES started to join the gang and I guess that is why she did not get negative impressions about me ...

 

We started to get closer to each other, yet keeping the distance that would protect you, subconsciously keeping yourself from getting involved - will keep you from getting hurt till you make sure that it is ok to go deeper, like a kid who is touching the pool's water with his toes before jumping ... You can not get closer unless you expose more of yourself which means you become more vulnerable ...

 

We kept going deep, we kept exposing bit by bit ... We started to feel we truly like our company, we felt friends ... yet each has his/her own friends, some are too close, while others are just fine ... But we fitted somewhere in between ... And each time we get to expose a bit, we repeat the same scene of the kid jumping in the cold pool's water ...

And I think because we were moving slowly and steady, we did not realize how deep we went and how naked we exposed. Except, when we did realize - we thought we moved very fast ... I realized that we are 3 months close of celebrating our first anniversary of when we first met ....

May be we still feel we are somewhere between the too close friends and those who are just fine, but a little bit closer ... However, I believe we reached the very deep the very close, it is just we did not realize yet, like a court sentence that has not been into action yet ...

 

Today, I wanted to realize this with you, I wanted to be completely naked without being ashamed. I wanted to be vulnerable without being scared of getting hurt. I wanted to be a very close friend before I say "see you soon" ...

When I poured my heart today, I was sure I will touch each of you ... I saw it in MA's watery eyes and flushing face ... I saw it in ES's pondering sympathizing face ... I saw it in KD's puzzled face yet trying to understand "too good to be true ..." .... And you touched me when I saw that in your faces ...

 

MA .. KD .. ES, my beloved 3 crazy mother-in-laws, yet my sweet angles and my close friends, I love you so much and I will terribly miss you ... However, I believe that true friendships can cross oceans ... I will miss MA covering her affection with a witty joke or laugh, I will miss KD's quietness and I will miss ES's craziness and much caring and thoughtfulness ... But most importantly I will miss, simply, "my friends".. who simply listen even sometimes when I know my other close friends won't understand ... I want to say that we just started a road, hopefully of a lifetime journey ...

 

I will try to keep in touch, will you ?!

Affectionately,

Mourad  

An Old Friend!

Today I had the pleasure to meet a very dear old friend, and will always be dear ... The good thing with old friends, you don't need to break the ice and start over, you just catch from where you left like you see each other every day. Our time was not much, yet rich ... we simply touched each other. Of course we talked about our lives, and we realized -not for the first time- that life is ugly. King Solomon was right "... For all his days are sorrows, and his travail grief; yea, his heart taketh not rest in the night. This is also vanity..." Ironically, people live as if he was wrong for a while, they even try to tell their children life is rosy ... Unless you have a strong reason for living, life is utterly painful and worthless ... We should teach our children the true face of life and we have to answer the question "if life as you say so painful and ugly, why we want to live and why do we seem attached to it and in every action we try to postpone death!!"
True when winds in your life blow and havoc spreads, and when tears fails to relief the pain till you beg for death and you can't have it, at these times Solomon's wisdom seems unquestionably true. However, when winds rest and the sun shines again and flowers in your life blossoms again after a time when you believed there will be no more sun and flowers, you start to get attached to life again, and again you get deceived by the camouflaging face of life ... Now I realized that good times are not made for us to love life and get attached to it, they are simply to sweeten and somewhat relieves the hideousness of life, to help you fulfill your reason for living, to help you walk the road till you're granted the sweet release of death ...