A melting union!

She lays on her back still and cold, and I lay on my knees next to her. I gently rub my hand over her arms and with my other hand I rub her belly then her thighs. I keep rubbing her body hoping that warmth may wrap her. I gently caress her hair hoping that blood flows to her brain, and then I touch her lips with my lips and I rub her nose with my nose hoping that she wakes up. She opens her eyes with a beautiful smile and glow in them. I kiss her lips one at a time, then I kiss her neck and whisper I love you, then I kiss her heart and then I kiss her belly, with every kiss I say I can not live without you. My body shivers and my cells scream, and with every kiss I send these shivers and screams to her body. My nose caress her skin as it goes up from her belly up to her nose where our lips meet again in a kiss that melts both lips that I can not feel my lips anymore. I start breathing deeper and faster, she starts breathing deeper and faster, she moans and awes of my shivers invading her body. As she breath out I inhale it and give it back in kisses filled with shivers. My hands lock with her hands, and my body covers her body, letting our hearts kiss with every beat they lock and life stops and then they release and life comes back again. I kiss each side of her neck, and on each side I whisper I need you deep inside. My lips slides down to her heart while our hands are still locking, my lips slides to her belly … her moans of pleasure heats me up, my heart is pounding, then with all my energy I kiss her womb, her back arches, her hands tightens and her knees bends … She screams calling my name, I run for her lips, our lips meet hungrily locking sending shivers into each other body, our arms wrapping each other, holding us tightly that our hearts pounding felt synchronously as each one is reminding the other to keep beating and not to stop, her legs enclosing my body holding us as one till our bodies break out of shaking and shivers, and our backs arch of a scream of a pleasure then our bodies pause …. and then slowly we feel tingling, exhaustion and pouring sweat and steam … Our eyes meet, our eyes kiss they lock and we can’t see anything else, like we are all alone in this world, our legs are around each other and our hands are locking laying over our arch thighs, starting to catch back our breath that for a moment we thought we will not be able to breathe again.

Welcome to the States

If you are reading this, it means that you arrived safely. And that you miss me that you want to see if I wrote anything.

I miss you already and can’t wait to talk to you. I wish you to have the best month of this year. I wish you to relax, refresh, have time to think, meet friends, have fun, heal, meditate, and feel alive again. And may be you can think of watching just watching dance classes there :) …..

A wrestle! A prayer!

Oh Lord, why is she dead! where were you when she was dying! who killed her! and why didn’t YOU do anything about it! I know YOU were there, and I believe that YOU love her more than anyone who walked this earth, but I can’t understand. I know YOU could have healed her, YOU could have raised her from the dead, but YOU stood silent.

Who am I to question YOU Lord, or to challenge YOU! But I can’t see her dead, and I am sure I can’t be loving her more than YOU do. But if she can’t wrestle with YOU, I will. I know YOU love her so much that YOU shed your blood for her, that YOU died to give her life, so how come YOU don’t do anything for her now. She needs YOU to put back life into her, to live life, to feel life, to enjoy life, to live it for YOU.

I ask YOU because I know YOU are kind and loving, YOU are powerful and rich, YOU feel what we feel and YOU can satisfy it. I ask YOU because no one was there when she was dying and no one can put life into her except YOU. Tell me if there is someone else who we can go to and we will, tell me if there is someone else who is more loving more caring more sensitive than YOU and I will.

For your sake Lord, yes for your sake, because YOU are the one who created her for your pleasure and for your glory … Put life back into her, in Jesus name, Amen.

Such a blur … it blows!

“ Every time I ask you to say what you feel, I get insulted for it…” she said, and after she said that I realized why do I do that ! I never thought I am impulsive, I always thought I am spontaneous … then I say sorry and she struggles with accepting, and even if she accepts the apology, she can’t completely forget, because it hurts and leaves a scar …

Now, I don’t know what to do … Keep saying sorry, takes the apology out of sorry, making it without an effect anymore … My mind keeps analyzing what happened and is happening  … and I end up with an upset stomach, and a blur with a sense of everything blows … At these times all my hopes goes for intervention that I don’t how it happens …

Again … I am sorry ….

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder

Keeping the positives and modifying the negatives;

While much is still being learned about ADD/ADHD and its effects, there can also be positive traits associated with this condition. Impulsivity, boundless energy and the tendency to switch tracks constantly may manifest itself as creativity, flexibility, the ability to rapidly adapt to new information or tremendous drive and commitment. One trait common to ADD/ADHD is hyperfocus, the ability to focus intensely and exclusively on one specific problem to the exclusion of all else, which can lead to creative breakthroughs if harnessed. The key is moderating the negative symptoms while keeping the positives. Luckily, there are many different treatment approaches to Adult ADD/ADHD.

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm

When being “in love” is not the point! (final)

So last time I closed with “what happened?” or how what I described as; more powerful, deeper and incredibly  high, happened? … So to help you get the picture, let me draw it as much as I can, though I am not a painter but being in the picture may help.

All of us know the puzzle games, it is made of pieces of different shapes. Each piece has a role, it fills a space in another, and gets filled by the other. And this role is unique and no one else can do it. This act of filling and getting filled is a perfect “fit”, they “match” sometimes you can almost hear the sound of “click”.  This act of perfect fit only happens with very few pieces, for each piece has a couple of spaces and a couple of projections, which means that this fitting doesn’t only happen with one piece and can’t happen with all the pieces of the puzzle either. It is always a group of very few pieces.

Let me paint you another picture, remember the times when you were really thirsty. I mean really thirsty and you ran to the market or to whatever store you first found in your way, and you grabbed the bottle of water and started drinking without stopping and without even paying first … then, what happened! what did you feel! It is a feeling hard to describe, but simply we can say “filled” and “happy”, and may be “relaxed” as well.

So do you remember what did I need and what did she need! … Well, I did not say what I needed in my previous posts, but I said if I had it, it would revolutionize my world and restore balance to my life, and for her I said it was a longing that needed to be filled and satisfied. Actually I had the same longing, which is the space in you (the piece of a puzzle), or it is the projection you have that is looking for its match to enclose it, to surround it and make it fulfilled. Let me share with you some of the things we said;

I said; I needed to feel worthy and loved … I needed to know that I am still a good person capable of great deeds … I needed to know that I still have the potential to be a very successful man … I needed someone to have faith in me, to spark the fire of motivations and enthusiasm in me … I needed to share my feelings with someone, let it burst out without being ashamed or timid … I needed to feel that I still can make someone happy … in simple words; I needed to love and be loved once again. So she gave me that; she renaissanced my world … I have the motive now to challenge what was once daydreams to be achieved in the real life … I have the heart to discipline writing again, I have the heart to reconcile with my mother, I have the motive to wake up early to challenge a new day in this life, I am filled with energy to push on gas far away from getting back to addiction and all sorts of destructive behavior. I can smile from my heart again, and my laughs are not a cover to a sad broken heart, now I can feel them, now laughs can help me mend my broken heart. I am challenged to face my pains and be resilient. She reached down to someone was buried inside me in a grave yard that I believed was forsaken. If I were her, I would feel much pressure now, but I want to tell everyone, that she did not do anything, she did not preach me, she did not pat talk me or psycho-treat me … All what she did is that I found myself a worthy person in her eyes, I found admiration in her looks, and not any eyes or any person … A person is so huge that my words of description about her in my previous posts are just the tip of the ice burg. That was the “click” I needed, the rest followed through like flooding water after you break a very small piece in the wall of the dam, but that small piece was a corner stone … the pressure of the water just blew the wall and flooded.

For her she said; “you made an everlasting impact on me … all of a sudden I felt immortal! … you made me smile in one day more than I did in months, no may be years … In one page, you could heal a heart that might need years of counseling … but who can magically help someone to reconcile with himself and enjoy his company? you magically did that today  …  I am happy, proud and can't imagine I will use the next word … FULFILLED … as in not needing … as in not hungry … as in not empty, not suffering … as in full and filled”

Ok, now is my favorite part in this post … Those who are obsessed with labels, I have a word for you … I once was obsessed with giving everything a definition or a label or a description, and sometimes I slip to this old habit, but I manage to get myself out … So some out there, will be thinking these 2 are madly in love, or why these 2 are not married by now or some romantic girls will be crying by now saying it is like love movies … people will be arguing to put such relation under a label or in a mold … But hey, that is exactly my point from the beginning; it doesn’t matter!!. It doesn’t matter to be placed under “being in love” or under “friendship” or whatever other labels out there … It is a very nice circle of mutual fulfillment, I keep fulfilling her and she keeps satisfying me, and life goes on … Stop wasting time figuring out a label or a mold for such moment instead of enjoying the moment … And always remember the puzzle pieces, the clicking was never exclusive to 2 pieces only, it is always a few with each other, each has a role and each is unique.

When being “in love” is not the point! (part 2)

It is hard to start when you don’t know from where, you have many thoughts some of them logic can’t explain, much feelings some of them words can’t describe. So I thought best to start from where we left; “ When being in love doesn’t matter anymore, because you are about to discover something more powerful and more touching and incredibly high. When things now are not about being in love or not; it is about another feeling, another high, another longing and another bond”. These were the last words of my previous post, but the birthing words of something I will try to put in words.

Let me tell you something, those who are wondering what would that might be, try to imagine yourself walking in your life lonely and desperate for a revolution a renaissance. Long time ago you were a very successful young man, in school you were always one of the top not only that you were admired by your teachers for your behavior, your attitude, your politeness, you established a service in the school’s chapel that still carries your name, you were everything a mother dreams of in her child and you were despised by other school failures. In church you were the same thing, in short a big shot. Then you entered something, called real life, actually a glimpse, but it was enough to crush you because really you were a big shot in your own protected bubble, but for life you were just a spoiled kid. You entered in a very destructive feelings and thoughts, your confidence was shuttered like a broken vase, with every pathetic attempt to mended was a mere glue to the broken pieces. You entered addiction not drugs but there are many different kinds of addiction for your pleasure my friend!, you faced depression and shame, you withdrawn from people, and turned from an athletic young man to someone of a fitness worse than a drug addict. You hated yourself, your life, you questioned God, you questioned life, you questioned logic, you obsessed reading, arguments and internet. You tried to restore yourself, you had some moments when you felt it is happening, you felt hope again and high, then you went crushing down!. You had friends who loved you as you are, sometimes they encouraged you but what you needed was more powerful and deeper. You still had your wits, brains, charisma but they were soulless and hence powerless. It was easy to polish yourself when around people even friends, especially when you live in a world of masks. So what was the powerful and more deep thing that you needed to restore yourself or at least put your feet on the right path again ?!. Keep thinking, while you are doing so, let me talk briefly about another person.

This another person is very successful. That person treats and council people with especial needs, very highly educated with degrees and studies. Very well known in the field with much lights on her. Loved, admired by all people. Trusted and sought for advice even as simple as sharing without being judged because she offers a safe place. Loving, caring, spontaneous, funny with a unique laugh, classy and beautiful. She has a big circle of people; family, friends, students and the people she is treating. When she lectures, she is very professional, confident and charismatic. She is friendly, humble, experienced and has that rare mixture of a girl and a woman. I think that what most people will see when they meet her, and its true. But I think few will see a little beyond that; I would see a scared person with an incredible resilience to pain and scars. Yes! every person with some years in this life will have some scars, but lets give her some credit, she got some. I feel sometimes with all that big circle of people, she still feels lonely. Now some people, will jump and say “I found it”; “marriage” is her problem and solution!, and may be she sometimes thought this way, and yes may be marriage is the solution for loneliness, but I am not here to talk about marriage and I don’t think it is the issue, because some married suffers the same thing. When life gets steady and monotonous … everyone of us experience ups and downs, some days high others depressed, but that is not what I am talking about either. I feel it is “longing”, her soul longs for something. And that “longing” needs to be filled and satisfied!

Sometimes you find what are you looking for in the last place or with the least person or in the strangest way you ever imagined. And because it happened this way, sometimes you start questioning it existence instead of grabbing it and enjoying to the fullest. One thing I learn from addicts, is that they believe “euphoria”, they live the moment, well you can debate this as much as you want, I am not married to this idea … I am just saying sometimes it is a good thing to do.

So I hope you are still following … so both of these persons need something powerful, something deep and incredibly high. For me that thing would create the renaissance, the revolution that would restore my life back, and for her that would fill and satisfy such longing. And that is why it is very powerful, deep and incredibly high. How this happened ?! would be continued in my part 3 and finale of this post series.

An advice!!

I wrote my post about “when being in love is not the point”, but I did not finish it and I said to be continued. After that I had a long chat with a friend. She advised me that I should “take it slowly” “it can’t all be true” and I should “wait and see what happens” …

My problem is why such advice! Is it because of fear of what would happen or how things would go!, or is it because of doubt of such things don’t exist; too good to be true! or is it just being cautious exactly like the kid who examines the pool’s water! or is it because of fear of getting attached to something would not last, and then makes you say “I should go” as an early solution before things get complicated! or is it out of care and love for someone you don’t want to see getting hurt!

May be it is a bit of every of these reasons, a mixture or may be it is none of these!. My debate is that such thing was not planned for … We did not plan to meet, we did not plan to talk, we did not plan to enjoy talking up to 3:30 in the morning, we did not plan to feel what we felt, we did not plan to hurt each other but it happened, we did not plan to reconcile and I wonder how it succeeded!, we did not plan to feel incredibly high and then crushed down to the bottom and then up again, we did not plan anything … Was it a short dream; once in a life time dream, or was it real! I know one thing for sure that both of us were there, it happened.

My heart debates with my mind, many voices in my head like a British parliament, and I end up with an upset stomach! So what am I going to do? I am going to take the above mentioned advice, and why?? Believe me, for only and only one simple reason … I trust the person who gave it to me!.

License to kill!!

This is how they described “Agent 007” with a “license to kill”. This reminded me of my power to hurt, I didn’t know I possess such power. I always thought of myself as a harmless sweat guy, who is very tender with a power to heal and soothe. Yesterday I was faced with my ugly side, and I was reminded with a very painful sentence “Hurt people hurt others, and blessed people bless others”, and why is it so painful! because it says that there is something wrong with me, when I longed for a healed and blessed me who is capable to bless others.

It was an accident, nothing with intention, it was very sudden to me like “what, what, what is going on, what is happening !!”, but then I found someone hurt and bleeding lying in front of me. Exactly like a car accident, when you hit someone, there is the shock of “what” and then you are faced with the ugly consequences.  Try to explain to the person, or his family or the people that it was an accident and you didn’t mean it and that you are sorry. But it doesn’t matter, because what matters is the person is hurting is in pain. And people are looking to you “bad driver, bad driver”, there is something wrong with your driving, there is something wrong with you. And yes, they know it was an accident. Some people my sympathize with me, and try to defend that with accidents no one should be blamed, that is why the logic of an accident, and that is why in a court the judge rules no verdicts!.

But the point is that while people are arguing who to blame and taking sides, there is someone a person who is hurting and in pain, and for that person all what matters now is for pain and hurt to cease. Eventually, pain will subsides and the wound would turn into scar. Scars are not painful, people don’t feel where their scar is on their bodies, till they see with their eyes where it is, they don’t see it all the time. But for the person who caused the scar, he can always see it and will always see his name written all over it. And he will always be reminded that he hurt that person and scared him. I think this is an enough punishment for someone made an accident!!!

I think both of them would wish for the scar to dissolve and disappear, I hear this is not possible, but I also hear that now there are surgeries and laser treatments, but I don’t think there is such treatment for our kind of scars. Remember when I said when you open and take the risk, things work out for the best, and then I debated what if sometimes it didn’t work out for the best!. You know what, I encountered such experience with someone I never thought I would dare to hurt, with someone that is more important to me than anything in my current life, and I almost lost her. How it did not end, and how it worked out at the end, I have no clue !!!!! I try to think that is because she really loved me, but I don’t think this was the reason. I am trying to put a word for it or a clue … I think it is … it is … GRACE !!!

When being “in love” is not the point!

Very recently I met someone who has that rare mixture of a girl and a woman ... a lady. She is energetic, enthusiastic, funny, spontaneous, loud yet classy, she has that girlish outlook impression, but in the same time, when you talk to her you are challenged with a very intelligent mature woman, highly educated (not very common these days), very experienced and most importantly scared. She shows an intriguing resilience to her scars and pain.

So what is the story?! Back in my glory days, when I was full of self-confidence and I thought of myself as a big shot, I was never intimidated to approach any person, young or old, man or woman, in a high position or in no position. But when I met her, I was recovering from many things, some of which I am still healing and growing, especially my confidence. I wouldn’t say I am recovering as much as metamorphosing. For 8 years, I lead a lonely life, withdrawn from people, because I couldn’t stand the look of failure in their eyes. I couldn’t stand going from a big shot to a failure. Some times they didn’t look to me this way, but I still felt it because it was in my head all the time. I tried a couple of times to restore my glory days but I couldn’t!! why?! I don’t know fully why, but I am sure “lack of motivation” was one of the reasons.

So what have I just said has anything to do with this lady?! Actually a lot … That was the tip of my iceberg when I met her. I shared my opinion about her with some experienced men; and I said her personality could be very intimidating to any man to approach. But their reply was; there are many men who can stand their grounds as peers, but what she needs is a man to surround her with warmth and love, she is very fragile from inside. I said to myself ; man and testosterone . So I watched these same men how they approach her, they try to be funny and confident, but I can see while they are talking with her they are very shaky from inside, but he keep telling himself “I am Casanova, she likes me and she laughs on my jokes”. But in my opinion, her reaction is not because you are a charming Casanova, but because she is a very decent and loving person who accepts people as they are and loves a company, but if she wants to crush your testosterone she can do it and with one snap because she got what it takes to be a “femme fetal”.

To cut the story short, I forgot about approaching her, and got busy with a cause and a case in my head, but I needed her experience and advice, so I took a friend who knows her, and went to talk to her. To my surprise our conversation moved smoothly from my cause to other events in my personal life and then it even continued to hours late at night accompanied by a couple of my kinsmen (whom I enjoyed their support) laughing and sharing over some of my adventures in Canada. It was amazing, what happened restored some memories of nice company laughing and sharing till very late at night. These times that my heart longed for more than 9 years. She reached deep down and pull up some feelings that were buried for long time in a grave I thought it was forsaken.

Before I leave the place where we met, I was sad because I did not know if I will have to get any contacts to keep in touch, but she saved the day by asking me about my facebook account that I literally check once a year. I felt I had no choice, so I clung to this only means of communication. Fortunately, we met next day over the most impotent chat application in the history of technology; the facebook chat application. Anyway, we started talking and teasing, but suddenly out of nowhere my testosterone sprung like a sexual predator raping my brains, and I blurted something like “I am not in love with you” which I then realized to be the most hurtful thing to tell a woman, surprisingly with all my female relations I never realized till this moment. Anyhow, the reason I blurted that stuff, is because I had it deep in my feelings that I love this lady and that I saw (so far) in her all what I want in a life partner, a friend and a wife, and I was sure that my actions and my words will eventually say it, and that is when my ego got scared to get hurt when this moment comes. I wanted to protect myself from being looked at as an immature man a teenage with imbalanced emotions. Again “ man and testosterone”.

We reconciled quickly, thanks to my motto when you open to be vulnerable and willing to take the splash to get closer, things works for the best at the end. However, my logic is debating much with me as I think may be sometimes things won’t work for the best at last, and the question here; am I willing to always take the risk?

Anyhow, by the end of our conversation something somewhat new to me happened, something that I might have heard about or saw in fairytales but never experienced it. This is; when “being in love” is not the point, is not the first thing that is occupying your thoughts in a relation, actually it is not even in the list of  your thoughts. When “being in love” doesn’t matter anymore, because you are about to discover something more powerful and more touching and incredibly high. When things now are not about “being in love or not” ; it is about another feeling, another high, another longing and another bond … if you want to know what it is, wait for my next post (to be continued) …..