The day of love..!!

 I once online dated a girl from the USA. Before one Valentine's day, I tried so hard that she would receive a gift shipped from Egypt to arrive on the Valentine's day. While we were talking, she uttered a statement; she said "I don't believe in Valentine's day", so surprised I wondered "why!", she steadily explained " I don't believe that a man treats his woman badly all the year, and then one day come up so sweet and romantic. Men should show their love and appreciation to their women the whole year, all their days ...", so less shocked more understanding I agreed and argued " Of course, men should treat their women with love and appreciation all their days together and not just annually, nevertheless, should be a day that is special to emphasize their love, appreciation and commitment", finally less interested in the argument she concluded " I don't know ... ". Of course she showed me gratitude and appreciation for my efforts and gesture to send her a gift from Egypt, and I think she was happy about it, but I felt that all my excitement and anticipation of indulging into a romantic night of chatter went down the drain ...

 I met an exquisite girly woman and I loved her with fiber in my being. But she was fused and melted in with the one man who ever succeeded in infiltrating  all her distances, barriers and walls till he reached her flesh, heart, brain and soul. An ugly unjust resemblance but yet the only most descriptive of such scenery of infiltration and fusion; it is like cancer, which moves steadily infiltrating the body's organs, one by one till it reaches the very centers of life, breathing and pumping blooding, and it holds the life into its grim grip. Surgeons stand tied, unable to cut and remove, it has completely fused with the healthy cells of every organ. Unable to find a line of demarcation to slice and remove, they stand tied, and with any decision to remove, one only sentences the slaughter of the organ leaving it incomplete weak and sometimes dead as much of it was removed with the cancer. How sad and ironic that such level of union is resembled with cancer! and how sad and ironic that such love and infiltration pours out of a sickness that incarnated into a man!! ...

For all the days I have known her, I learn more and deeper about such union, and no matter how many times I wrote about it, still after I talk with her and listen I find myself startled as if I knew nothing and with a new epiphany I document what I witnessed. However, during the days of companying the one I love, I forget many times that her organs have been severed, and I utter or write or dedicate my love to her, yet shown incomplete when I remember I should not do so, leading at the end to a deformed announcement of love. Consecutive discomfort, load and sometimes anger and frustration grows inside her till it bursts in an episodic talks of screaming enough pressuring me, and with every talk I feel how hopeless it is to have something with her, but I can't afford giving up and I end up with promises to not pressure her and being more sensitive and careful and living the moment as is ... Nevertheless, I can't forget the many moments I was quenched by the magical moments of intimacy I shared with her, the moments I touched her, the moments I felt her, the moments I sensed her breath so close I could touch it, the moments our lips fused, the moments I just simply massaged her, the moments our eyes met in silence, the moments we met mentally, the moments we laughed childishly, the moments our innocence played together, the moments we worked together to get something done racing with time and looking into each other eyes with gratitude and how blessed are with each other, the moments I took her into my arms and she poured into crying, and the moments I wiped her tears and the very and every minute I spent with her ... 

I am a person who likes to plan ahead on, and consequently as much as I love the thing or the person, I need more time, more details and much more effort. After we celebrated her birthday, and I got so grateful to the Lord and to her who gave me the chance to have it that way, I got greedy and started thinking and planning for the Valentine's day, and trying to do what I couldn't do in her birthday. But during the course of planning and as days passed, I knew if I do love her I should spare her anything big and romantic that day, and so all the planning stopped till yesterday before I talk to her very late at night. I gazed and my brain wandered into the sceneries of what I wished to do on the day of love, but in the middle of such sceneries, a memory poped up, it was my built up visualization of her last Valentine's with him that she told me about some of it ... And I remembered what she told me about how sweet, romantic and beautifully amazing he was. Few weeks ago, I would have fallen into the same repeated mistake, thinking of presenting my all true and sincere love to her may make her happy or satisfied or even ok ...

What recently breaks my heart, that I keep missing the moments that she welcomes my love and intimacy, and I keep mis-synchronizing showing my love at the wrong times. I admit I fail you my dear so many times. The last words she brokenly and sadly uttered in our last phone call yesterday was "tomorrow is Valentine's day", after I listened to how much she can't take what has happened to her, and how much it is unbearable to see your man sleeping with another woman, and how she has never enjoyed the feeling of speaking out loud about her partner without any fears of judgment because it is her very basic right as a wife. I wished I have the permission to open my heart and tell her on the Valentine's how much my heart gallops every time I am expecting to see you, how many times my heart sings to the Lord songs of gratitude for the intimate moments my heart shares with you, how my heart lives everyday feeling that you are his claddagh or how much I thrive to draw a deep smile on your heart and that I am ready to give my life  for your prosperity and happiness, that I wished I am legally bond to you so that I take you to the roof of a rented apartment over the sea, where a circle of lit candles mingling with roses and rose petals all over the place, where we sit each wrapped with a very delicate white cloth, starring into each other eyes as time passes but for us it is still, when my eyes convey what my heart is telling you, then our eyes close as we eye fold each other, and with the sea breeze gently caressing us, my hand deeply reach to your back muscles, soothing and squeezing them where they spread to deeply touch all your body, then we lay over our backs starring at the shy, talking and getting high, giggling and starring into each other eyes with moments of silence interspersed ... Or as simple as a warm dinner with a candle light and then an opera musical and warm walk in the opera space surrounded by the gentle wintery weather ... 

But may be you didn't need or want either of that, and I missed that you simply wanted your friend to say "Happy Valentine my beloved queen and beautiful claddagh, and may the Lord fulfill HIS promises and restores your heart and dignity so I many witness your true happiness" ... Or even laugh at the day and sing you the Valentine's day poem in the English nursery rhymes; 

The rose is red, the violet's blue
The honey's sweet, and so are you
Thou are my love and I am thine
I drew thee to my Valentine
The lot was cast and then I drew
And Fortune said it shou'd be you ...

I wish you could forgive me ... I would embrace that the day has not ended yet, though I missed being the first of all people to wish you a happy Valentine's ... My true and sincere wish is " Happy Valentine my beloved queen and beautiful claddagh, and may the Lord fulfill HIS promises and restores your heart and dignity so I may witness your true happiness and joy" ... Faithfully, Mido :) ...