When being “in love” is not the point!

Very recently I met someone who has that rare mixture of a girl and a woman ... a lady. She is energetic, enthusiastic, funny, spontaneous, loud yet classy, she has that girlish outlook impression, but in the same time, when you talk to her you are challenged with a very intelligent mature woman, highly educated (not very common these days), very experienced and most importantly scared. She shows an intriguing resilience to her scars and pain.

So what is the story?! Back in my glory days, when I was full of self-confidence and I thought of myself as a big shot, I was never intimidated to approach any person, young or old, man or woman, in a high position or in no position. But when I met her, I was recovering from many things, some of which I am still healing and growing, especially my confidence. I wouldn’t say I am recovering as much as metamorphosing. For 8 years, I lead a lonely life, withdrawn from people, because I couldn’t stand the look of failure in their eyes. I couldn’t stand going from a big shot to a failure. Some times they didn’t look to me this way, but I still felt it because it was in my head all the time. I tried a couple of times to restore my glory days but I couldn’t!! why?! I don’t know fully why, but I am sure “lack of motivation” was one of the reasons.

So what have I just said has anything to do with this lady?! Actually a lot … That was the tip of my iceberg when I met her. I shared my opinion about her with some experienced men; and I said her personality could be very intimidating to any man to approach. But their reply was; there are many men who can stand their grounds as peers, but what she needs is a man to surround her with warmth and love, she is very fragile from inside. I said to myself ; man and testosterone . So I watched these same men how they approach her, they try to be funny and confident, but I can see while they are talking with her they are very shaky from inside, but he keep telling himself “I am Casanova, she likes me and she laughs on my jokes”. But in my opinion, her reaction is not because you are a charming Casanova, but because she is a very decent and loving person who accepts people as they are and loves a company, but if she wants to crush your testosterone she can do it and with one snap because she got what it takes to be a “femme fetal”.

To cut the story short, I forgot about approaching her, and got busy with a cause and a case in my head, but I needed her experience and advice, so I took a friend who knows her, and went to talk to her. To my surprise our conversation moved smoothly from my cause to other events in my personal life and then it even continued to hours late at night accompanied by a couple of my kinsmen (whom I enjoyed their support) laughing and sharing over some of my adventures in Canada. It was amazing, what happened restored some memories of nice company laughing and sharing till very late at night. These times that my heart longed for more than 9 years. She reached deep down and pull up some feelings that were buried for long time in a grave I thought it was forsaken.

Before I leave the place where we met, I was sad because I did not know if I will have to get any contacts to keep in touch, but she saved the day by asking me about my facebook account that I literally check once a year. I felt I had no choice, so I clung to this only means of communication. Fortunately, we met next day over the most impotent chat application in the history of technology; the facebook chat application. Anyway, we started talking and teasing, but suddenly out of nowhere my testosterone sprung like a sexual predator raping my brains, and I blurted something like “I am not in love with you” which I then realized to be the most hurtful thing to tell a woman, surprisingly with all my female relations I never realized till this moment. Anyhow, the reason I blurted that stuff, is because I had it deep in my feelings that I love this lady and that I saw (so far) in her all what I want in a life partner, a friend and a wife, and I was sure that my actions and my words will eventually say it, and that is when my ego got scared to get hurt when this moment comes. I wanted to protect myself from being looked at as an immature man a teenage with imbalanced emotions. Again “ man and testosterone”.

We reconciled quickly, thanks to my motto when you open to be vulnerable and willing to take the splash to get closer, things works for the best at the end. However, my logic is debating much with me as I think may be sometimes things won’t work for the best at last, and the question here; am I willing to always take the risk?

Anyhow, by the end of our conversation something somewhat new to me happened, something that I might have heard about or saw in fairytales but never experienced it. This is; when “being in love” is not the point, is not the first thing that is occupying your thoughts in a relation, actually it is not even in the list of  your thoughts. When “being in love” doesn’t matter anymore, because you are about to discover something more powerful and more touching and incredibly high. When things now are not about “being in love or not” ; it is about another feeling, another high, another longing and another bond … if you want to know what it is, wait for my next post (to be continued) …..