Who are you Isadora ?!?!?!

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Dear Nemo

As I pondered on our relation in a trial to find words that won't be mere cliches but incarnating what I feel bringing it touchable ... I found that true old pals would always continue their conversation from where they left it last time spontaneously and casually whether this last time was from a month ago, a year ago or a decade, which I realized that we always continue from where we left my old gal. I tried to find a quote from a wise man to support what I am stating, so I hopped on the world wide web, and searched ... Though I didn't find what I am looking for, I was surprised by Mr. Pam Brown (don't know the heck who he is!!) stating; "A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." Although, I don't feel that our thing is "thriving" nor will ever dry out completely, but what I could relate to is our friendship is strong enough, well rooted to live on a little mulch of letters, phone calls, small and silly presents not so often :( ...

I wish I could say happy birthday, but I can't when I am faced with 2 long overdue birthday wishes ... So I am going to say; As years go by, may life hardships fail terribly to wipe that beautiful smile I'm in love with, and you only grow higher against all mountains, and always be filled with deep sense of happiness, content and serenity my dear old friend ...

 

Hug!

For every lock there a unique key … For the mind there are words and intellect, for the heart there is a heart that talks to you, for the soul there is a soul mate, and the body there is a skin …

Each has its own language and dialect, the most obvious are the “words” when used to talk intellectually to the mind and get high, or when used romantically for the heart and get drunk … But I mean another language uttered not through words, yet seen, heard and felt … Sometimes, it is so powerful it is incarnated that one can touch, see and smell the intoxicating scent of … the other soul!

Those beings; the eyes, the lips, the arms, the skin, the body and the soul, that are parts of a whole human being, can only speak that kind of language, their own language … Her lips once spoke to me, I could only find my whole being of a man humbled kneeling against a soul penetrating existence of a feeling could never be uttered in million years of summed languages of mankind, but only through its own language …

Despite that not all words of their own language are with the same intensity; some are uttered by the soul and they are soul deep, some are soul penetrating and some are intense, yet verbal words can never bring to existence what the eye want to state, what the skin would reach and what the soul would penetrate … “Words” as we know, fail to represent their language …

Today, my arms spoke with yours, my heart brought so close to yours that my ribs engaged with yours and my warmth fused with yours … Stuck with words, I attempt to describe the feeling; like the dew transpired from the leaflet of a flower covering its surface, your skin covered mine, and as the cocoon impregnate the caterpillar for warmth, healing, protection and transformation, my heart and arms wraps you … always! …

And only at these moments, I can honestly admit that I feel and understand how is your existence towards him, and how savage, brutal and inhumane is your arms, skin, and heart is ripped void of that quenching filling existence of an incarnated feeling … Nothing I could do but to scream to the Lord for mercy and salvation … And how heart-smashing to witness the abandon of such abundance where for others his crumbs are their dreams!!!! aaaaahhhh!!! It is so tormenting to taste the crumbs as you witness the abundance ... At these moments I desire from all my heart that the Lord would take everything HE gave me in my life, that my life would be underpaid for living in her abundance ... To take everything and grant me what would open the door to the rivers of her abundance that is worth more than my life, that will always soothe and quench the burning between my ribs ...

The day of love..!!

 I once online dated a girl from the USA. Before one Valentine's day, I tried so hard that she would receive a gift shipped from Egypt to arrive on the Valentine's day. While we were talking, she uttered a statement; she said "I don't believe in Valentine's day", so surprised I wondered "why!", she steadily explained " I don't believe that a man treats his woman badly all the year, and then one day come up so sweet and romantic. Men should show their love and appreciation to their women the whole year, all their days ...", so less shocked more understanding I agreed and argued " Of course, men should treat their women with love and appreciation all their days together and not just annually, nevertheless, should be a day that is special to emphasize their love, appreciation and commitment", finally less interested in the argument she concluded " I don't know ... ". Of course she showed me gratitude and appreciation for my efforts and gesture to send her a gift from Egypt, and I think she was happy about it, but I felt that all my excitement and anticipation of indulging into a romantic night of chatter went down the drain ...

 I met an exquisite girly woman and I loved her with fiber in my being. But she was fused and melted in with the one man who ever succeeded in infiltrating  all her distances, barriers and walls till he reached her flesh, heart, brain and soul. An ugly unjust resemblance but yet the only most descriptive of such scenery of infiltration and fusion; it is like cancer, which moves steadily infiltrating the body's organs, one by one till it reaches the very centers of life, breathing and pumping blooding, and it holds the life into its grim grip. Surgeons stand tied, unable to cut and remove, it has completely fused with the healthy cells of every organ. Unable to find a line of demarcation to slice and remove, they stand tied, and with any decision to remove, one only sentences the slaughter of the organ leaving it incomplete weak and sometimes dead as much of it was removed with the cancer. How sad and ironic that such level of union is resembled with cancer! and how sad and ironic that such love and infiltration pours out of a sickness that incarnated into a man!! ...

For all the days I have known her, I learn more and deeper about such union, and no matter how many times I wrote about it, still after I talk with her and listen I find myself startled as if I knew nothing and with a new epiphany I document what I witnessed. However, during the days of companying the one I love, I forget many times that her organs have been severed, and I utter or write or dedicate my love to her, yet shown incomplete when I remember I should not do so, leading at the end to a deformed announcement of love. Consecutive discomfort, load and sometimes anger and frustration grows inside her till it bursts in an episodic talks of screaming enough pressuring me, and with every talk I feel how hopeless it is to have something with her, but I can't afford giving up and I end up with promises to not pressure her and being more sensitive and careful and living the moment as is ... Nevertheless, I can't forget the many moments I was quenched by the magical moments of intimacy I shared with her, the moments I touched her, the moments I felt her, the moments I sensed her breath so close I could touch it, the moments our lips fused, the moments I just simply massaged her, the moments our eyes met in silence, the moments we met mentally, the moments we laughed childishly, the moments our innocence played together, the moments we worked together to get something done racing with time and looking into each other eyes with gratitude and how blessed are with each other, the moments I took her into my arms and she poured into crying, and the moments I wiped her tears and the very and every minute I spent with her ... 

I am a person who likes to plan ahead on, and consequently as much as I love the thing or the person, I need more time, more details and much more effort. After we celebrated her birthday, and I got so grateful to the Lord and to her who gave me the chance to have it that way, I got greedy and started thinking and planning for the Valentine's day, and trying to do what I couldn't do in her birthday. But during the course of planning and as days passed, I knew if I do love her I should spare her anything big and romantic that day, and so all the planning stopped till yesterday before I talk to her very late at night. I gazed and my brain wandered into the sceneries of what I wished to do on the day of love, but in the middle of such sceneries, a memory poped up, it was my built up visualization of her last Valentine's with him that she told me about some of it ... And I remembered what she told me about how sweet, romantic and beautifully amazing he was. Few weeks ago, I would have fallen into the same repeated mistake, thinking of presenting my all true and sincere love to her may make her happy or satisfied or even ok ...

What recently breaks my heart, that I keep missing the moments that she welcomes my love and intimacy, and I keep mis-synchronizing showing my love at the wrong times. I admit I fail you my dear so many times. The last words she brokenly and sadly uttered in our last phone call yesterday was "tomorrow is Valentine's day", after I listened to how much she can't take what has happened to her, and how much it is unbearable to see your man sleeping with another woman, and how she has never enjoyed the feeling of speaking out loud about her partner without any fears of judgment because it is her very basic right as a wife. I wished I have the permission to open my heart and tell her on the Valentine's how much my heart gallops every time I am expecting to see you, how many times my heart sings to the Lord songs of gratitude for the intimate moments my heart shares with you, how my heart lives everyday feeling that you are his claddagh or how much I thrive to draw a deep smile on your heart and that I am ready to give my life  for your prosperity and happiness, that I wished I am legally bond to you so that I take you to the roof of a rented apartment over the sea, where a circle of lit candles mingling with roses and rose petals all over the place, where we sit each wrapped with a very delicate white cloth, starring into each other eyes as time passes but for us it is still, when my eyes convey what my heart is telling you, then our eyes close as we eye fold each other, and with the sea breeze gently caressing us, my hand deeply reach to your back muscles, soothing and squeezing them where they spread to deeply touch all your body, then we lay over our backs starring at the shy, talking and getting high, giggling and starring into each other eyes with moments of silence interspersed ... Or as simple as a warm dinner with a candle light and then an opera musical and warm walk in the opera space surrounded by the gentle wintery weather ... 

But may be you didn't need or want either of that, and I missed that you simply wanted your friend to say "Happy Valentine my beloved queen and beautiful claddagh, and may the Lord fulfill HIS promises and restores your heart and dignity so I many witness your true happiness" ... Or even laugh at the day and sing you the Valentine's day poem in the English nursery rhymes; 

The rose is red, the violet's blue
The honey's sweet, and so are you
Thou are my love and I am thine
I drew thee to my Valentine
The lot was cast and then I drew
And Fortune said it shou'd be you ...

I wish you could forgive me ... I would embrace that the day has not ended yet, though I missed being the first of all people to wish you a happy Valentine's ... My true and sincere wish is " Happy Valentine my beloved queen and beautiful claddagh, and may the Lord fulfill HIS promises and restores your heart and dignity so I may witness your true happiness and joy" ... Faithfully, Mido :) ...

Her touch …

The escalating longing and panting is becoming beyond my limits … My body and my skin are crying for a touch … This miraculous touch; her touch … Without knowing and without doing anything just being herself, her touch; quench my burning ribs, kiss life into my heart, blow breeze into my lungs, engorge blood into my muscles, tingle my skin, shiver my spine, wraps my soul, calms my brain, arches my back, take my breath for seconds, sways me, put the kid inside to sleep, and boost the man inside to orgasmic high, to a king’s might … Leaving me panting for more and more … A satisfaction that words fail to incarnate, a fulfillment that only touching my shivering cells can only tell you about … A man who will always be in debt to you, a man who will always be owned by you … who will always be yours … I miss you …

Nugget One, NYC: As it is …

The three weeks before she left, were a long rollercoaster … Her whole life so far is a looooong rollercoaster … The 3 weeks started by his admission to the rehab center. The purpose was clear, he needs some quiet time to spend with God and himself, so that he is able to face his double relationship, and to be the first steps in the long journey of treatment of his disease. Hope raised again from the dead, and a heart, that once lost all her hopes, is able to hope again and pray again … She needed this time, to unburden, a quiet time to pray. To unburden from the daily  consumption of witnessing her man’s talks about his suffering from letting go of the other one, and his requests to be there for him. He is asking his woman to be there and witness his struggle of inability to let go of the other woman! … But he didn’t have that insight, and no matter how many times she told him I am suffocating and you can’t take notice, he still couldn’t see it … It wasn’t his physical diseases that she needed to unburden from, she gracefully and lovingly embraced his physical diseases and tenderly took care of him. She promised to be with him in thin and thick, in good or bad, and she was to the last minute … But to be there witnessing her man telling her in the face “I am confused!!” that is brutal … She needed quiet time to collect herself back, to recharge, to go back to the Lord and spend time … And for the first time after a looong time, she was able to wake up feeling peaceful and quiet and able to pray … But not for long, it didn’t last more than a couple of days, when this was snatched by witnessing one of her friend’s relationship struggle and fight, not to mention the rest of her life craziness, at home, at work and of course the phone that never stops ringing, always people want something from her … demands, requests, consumptions … aaahhh enough, the sad thing is, even when you scream enough, nothing happens …

Days close to the end, and the day of his dismissal from the rehab started to hover in the horizon carried with uneasy derogating wind. She heard that he is confused, he can’t and not ready to take a decision, he is having pros and cons on paper, he will discuss or discussed them with 5 people. But she tried to keep herself together, the whole time she has been missing him badly, desiring to touch and enjoy her man’s return home, proud for finishing his first steps, but these feelings were submersed by the observations, expectations and constant battle between a right and left brain, leaving both deeply bruised …. He came out, she didn’t know, she heard a day later, involuntarily her heart and mind lost it. As was being reassured that he didn’t abandon her, and he just been told not to talk to anyone, her heart was terrified of something ugly and excruciating … And it was true, the ferocious disease has split her man within few days, distorting his memory and judgment, and turned him into a merciless horrifying brutal giant. As she was sleeping in her home covered with all his memories and warmth, waiting and longing for her man to come back, he crashed in their home, went to her while she was sleeping in their bed longing & waiting for him, she gazed at him with shocking fear, it is her man, the same looks she has been familiarized with for so long, the same face imprinted in her memory, the same body she had touched and felt many times, the same hands she experienced their caress and warmth sending shivers in her womanly body, but it was not her man, not the man that deeply penetrated her, not the man she made love with, not the one she united with, not the man that became part of her … He grabbed her savagely, beat her up, stripped her naked and throw her out in the street, in the middle of the night, between life and death … a vegetable … And what killed her was not the beating but seeing him beating her. Him … the same person who offered deep passionate love, dedication and worship … For years he has been squeezing her while she was wrapped around him, as he squeezes more she fuses deeper … He breached deep beneath her exposed shattered core and clung his hands in the deep tissues. He united with her in her full mature ripeness … How could a human being just leave!! How possible someone just disappear and abandon!! Unless there is something fundamentally incongruous treacherous disfigured to the core, no one; human, animal or alien, no one in heaven or on earth could separate from such depth of infiltrating unity with such deep woman …

3 weeks before she had left, we both wished I accompany her, I deeply desired to be with her, sadly I couldn’t … So I thought how can I be there, I remembered that we once made love across miles, we once were able to be present and felt each other but not in the physical realm … I said to myself if I will not be able to be physically with her, then at least I should be present as I once was. I had an idea of writing every other day a nugget that would carry a thought, a feeling and a prayer, that would be written by a fountain pen on a vintage paper that arrives by post mail, every morning the door knocks, and a smiling postal person would greet her and deliver my letter. I imagined her prancing every morning to the door, her heart is experiencing some happiness waiting for the day’s letter, then she scampers back to her room to enjoy the reading of it, where some tears run down her fair cheeks, a smile that is drawn on her face, and may be a balsamic feeling that covers her wounds … But I couldn’t between the struggling times that occupied the minutes and the complicated calculation of postal delivery, not to mention Egyptian postal delivery. So I thought why not write all the letters and enclosed them in a small box that I would give her as something I am sending to the US, and there I surprise her that these are letters dated for each other day, and she open every one at its date. I imagined her impatiently reaching every morning for that little box, her eyes are glowing as she is opening the letter and then enjoy reading it, but I couldn’t give birth to all my feelings and thoughts in a cramped time. So I went back to my blog the place where her presence mused my brains, where I give birth to what is she’s going through, the place where my writings first came to life …

I also wished that some of what I experienced with her at the same place in different time, could be reincarnated once more. The long infatuated talks, amorous writings, a different high, a fairytale encounter. But as we said the time was different, reality is so present that you can do feel it. Because we became real, very real, we have been through thick and thin, high and low, good and bad for some time that felt very long enough to make us very real, naked real … Any reincarnation of a previous experience would have gave birth to a different level of unity. A unity I always desired and longed for … But she has just been thrown out naked in the streets by her man … Shivering of shocking disbelief, oozing blood from a shattered heart, a trembling body dressed in wounds … Instead of being swarm by other man’s arms, her vegetable condition required a balsam to paint her body, a shelter to cover her, and peaceful presence that helps her shivering disbelief calm down, where pain can sink deep and infiltrate her whole being … She longed for a man’s touch synchronously all her sensations were scalded rendering her untouchable … A tender touch would be a piercing prick … She had four reasons not to go into my arms; all were as strong as each other, but one of them really stopped me … She can’t go through all that turmoil, anguish and torture in vain, with no fruit at the end, with no meaning and worth at the end … I highly respected that …

She said what I am uttering with you I should be screaming to the Lord but I can’t … But I remembered and I could be mistaken, when she was back home, we used to speak for hours and hours only errands or meetings that took us from talking with each other, but this time it is only minutes or a couple of hours that we speak together, but then most of her time she is spending alone as if in a wilderness … Then I started looking at the picture differently, and I could be mistaken, we both wanted to be together this trip but we couldn’t, we can’t speak more then a couple of hours and some days, it’s few minutes, as if the Lord planned to isolate her, to take her in the wilderness alone … I remembered when we spoke after she heard the prayer, I childishly smiled and told her, you know what; I will be hovering around the desert from a distance waiting for you to come out … In a way, I felt that those 3 weeks were like this, she is in a wilderness alone and I am hovering around from a distance waiting for her … I knew the Lord was talking to her, and then it hit me, she should be screaming back to HIM … And then I knew I couldn’t make her scream to the Lord, but I knew I could do real labor … I have to intercede for her, fast for her … Intercede that she may scream back to the Lord … Fast that she may witness deliverance … Intercede and fast that she may be resurrected … Intercede and fast that she may live again … The days I used to spend with her in the office would be the days I am fasting in … I knew I will go into labor, and I made a deal with the Lord that as much pain as I go into labor as much mighty her deliverance would be … I got scared that my strength would fail me as always, but I remembered that her deliverance isn’t standing on my strength and labor, but on the Lord’s almighty’s promise HIMSELF … So I am interceding and fasting and crying to the Lord not scared because; the Lord promised HIMSELF, because the Lord CAN, and because the Lord is faithful can’t deny Himself … I have a great faith in the Lord and a great faith in her too ….

When to leave …!!

She once wrote about when to leave … She wrote that an honorable person knows when he should leave … My mind and heart did not quiet swallow this sentence, as I had a different perspective of viewing honor …

If you are like me, when you hear any of the following words, shivers go through your spine, your back straighten up, adrenaline gushes into your veins, your face intensifies and your whole being is in a state of war and victory … Honor … noble … chivalry … courageous … valor … gallantry … valiance … promise … men of honor …  Do you feel the shivers, the gush … Well, emotional men like me can easily be used and manipulated by others under such influence of these words of gods … I am trying to set the horizons for how deep and far my soul can go against the influence and life definition of these words in the midst of a world where lying and manipulation are considered normal, where such meanings are only found in fairytales of King Arthur and Hercules …

Anyways, let me not lose focus here … The way I perceived an honorable man is the one who stays … who fights … who takes responsibility … I perceived leaving as coward and betrayal … 

I loved a woman a girl … I loved someone who I found all heart desires come true in her … I loved someone whose passion and warmth wraps you as a baby whose mother tightly and tenderly wrapped him in a baby cloth … I loved a goddess a queen who is desired and worshipped by everyone  … I loved a woman whose brain is as seductive as her radiant beauty, I am humbled to have the chance to engage into intellectual talks with her, to witness her brain in action and in life … I can go on and on about her, but for today I would say in a nutshell I love a rare precious woman and a girl …

So what seems to be the problem … She is in love with her man … She is the most faithful loyal woman I met … But her home is shaking, her home experienced many shocks of earthquakes over the years, her home is completely wrecked now, the home that witnessed her youth and age, the home that embraced her in the cold nights, the home that she experienced peace and rest, the home that she took shelter and help … This home is on the brink of complete collapse, its walls tumbled in many places, its roof fallen and its pillars are deeply cracked … It looks like an abandoned home, you wouldn’t believe that there is someone who is still living in that home … But there is, the woman I love, the most beautiful woman inside and gorgeous outside … She is staying not only because she is faithful and loyal, but because she wants to be in her home … When the walls were tumbling and the roof was falling, she got deeply wounded, the heavy rocks crushed her bones, and the iron bar wreckage  pierced her body and her heart, leaving her inside her home bleeding between life and death … You may call her from outside and ask her to get out of this home before she die inside … This would sound sane and right … But she would reply, this is my home if I get out I am homeless, even if it is a wrecked home but it is a home, not only a home, but my home, the place that was my shelter my peace and my rest, the place where I was infiltrated and penetrated with love … And when it was falling, its rocks and ruins crushed and pierced me, it is my blood that is covering the floors, the walls, it is my flesh that is torn into pieces and scattered everywhere … How could you ask me to get out … That is my world as I know it  …

But there lies the woman I love, wounded, bleeding, between life and death … Not only her home is on the brink of collapse, but the winds and life harshness is blowing from everywhere, her home is not able to cover her, warm her from the coldness and harshness of life, shelter her from the winds … I find myself running in, while she is inside her home, I wrap her, I try to get her stand up, I try to treat the wounds, I try to stand against the winds, I try to cover her from the coldness … I cry with her, I laugh with her and I pray for her and with her … I want to stay till the home is built up again, and then I would leave from the new door, or I would stay till it collapses on both of us …

Sounds heroic, gallant and honorable … If there is a crowd, people would be shouting, clapping and crying for such a scene … But don’t, I am not a hero … This woman is giving me so much … Next to her I feel life, I can breathe … I can look up see the skies and I can dream … And as I carry her, I get more stronger … Next to her I am kept on my toes, I am motivated to eat stones, to face my weaknesses, to progress to develop to change … Take me away from her, and you are ripping life off me … You are ripping everything good and beautiful I experienced in my life …

Instead of asking when to leave, people should ask why to leave … In my opinion, you only leave if you are hurting or abusing someone or getting hurt or abused by someone … But there may be other reasons, in my case she asked for freedom and space, she cried it out loud, because she is getting more attached to me …

Now I have to decide … When to leave; never, I don’t leave, I don’t want to leave, I will never leave … She also asked me not to wait for her … Not to wait means to fall out of love, for as long as I am in love I will always wait … I can not stop loving her, I don’t want to stop loving her, I will not fall out of love … So that leave us with giving her some distance and space … That is her right …

If I am a true man of honor, I should be able to give her what she is asking for … But oh Lord! oh people! could someone tell me how could I do so !! … How could I not see the face that my eyes see colors in life when she is around … How could I not see the smile that brightens my life … How could I stay away from my home, when I spend 4 days away, I feel as if I was in a desert and when the day I will see her comes, I get quenched, I am back home … How after I got used to work with her, and with every minute, there is an eye contact, there is a smile drawn for something done or accomplished … How after I witnessed her being lifted up, happy and supported, and after all what she is going through at least something good is happening to her … How after her presence became essential for me to go on, work, move, wake up, talk, think, dream and breathe … Someone may say that if what you have is true and deep, you can experience it across the miles … I agree, but what you don’t understand is that her physical presence, my eyes seeing her, working every minute together, hand in hand in every single detail, will never be compensated by phone calls … This is my life that I come to know, and got attached to it as the heart to its coronary arteries …

So ask me now … what will I do? … I don’t know, I am crying to the Lord, please tell me what should I do … I believe that my presence with her, is essential for life to me … And for her, it is supporting and helping her … But in the same time my Lord, she wants to be free, to have time with him, to be able to go back to him if she wants … We both want to do YOUR will ... what shall I do my Lord … what shall I do … You know how much my heart is squeezed and my chest is suffocating while I am talking to YOU right now … please tell me what to do … Grant me the strength and power to obey You … bless her and grant me the strength and power … tell me what to do, oh my Lord …